The Debate Over Parental Alienation
The term "parental alienation" has raised concerns in domestic violence circles.
Updated September 1, 2025 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Rory sat in her car, dreading what lay ahead. Another day off work and another day in court with her ex husband, who was fighting her for custody of their son.
An hour later, the judge looked from Rory to her ex. She could practically hear him saying, “What now?” in his sigh.
Her ex's lawyer rose and began a long soliloquy about his “poor client,” now saddled with debt he can’t pay off: “Ruining his credit, no doubt.” Then, there was “this woman,” who insisted on painting his “poor client” as a bad father.
“All he wants to do is love his son," his lawyer continued. "What she is attempting is parental alienation .”
Rory stood straighter with a jolt. What?! No, He is the abusive one! She whispered to her lawyer, “He’s twisting everything—he’s the one who blocks calls, undermines me, and he tells our son I don’t care about him!"
What Is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is a term used to describe a situation in which one parent intentionally undermines or damages a child’s relationship with the other parent, often during or after separation, divorce , or custody disputes.
It typically involves one parent engaging in behaviors that manipulate the child into rejecting, fearing, or resenting the other parent without a valid reason. These behaviors can include limiting or interfering with contact between the child and the other parent, exaggerating or fabricating flaws about the other parent, and overall making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent.
The argument of those who use this term is that, over time, children exposed to this may internalize the alienating parent’s views and begin rejecting the other parent, even if that parent has been loving and appropriate.
T he Term Can Be Misused to Victim-Blame
There is ongoing debate within the domestic violence field regarding the concept of parental alienation. The term is frequently criticized for being weaponized against protective parents—most often mothers—who are attempting to shield their children from an abusive ex-partner. 1,2,4 .
Some argue that abusive parents may use parental alienation claims as a defense strategy. For example, if a child resists contact with a parent due to abuse or neglect, the abusive parent might claim the child has been “alienated” instead of taking responsibility for their actions.. This can put children at risk by discrediting their fears and forcing them into unsafe contact through court orders.
This misuse has raised other serious concerns, particularly in domestic violence circles, where claims of parental alienation can function as a form of victim blaming.
Rather than recognizing the protective actions of survivors, courts may misinterpret them as manipulative, ultimately undermining efforts to safeguard both the child and the non-abusive parent. In many cases, abusive parents have co-opted the term to accuse survivors of alienation when, in fact, those survivors are acting in response to ongoing coercive control and threats of harm 1-4 .
Instead, Focus on Behavior Over Labels
Much like the casual use of the term narcissist , relying on labels such as parental alienation can oversimplify abuse dynamics and divert attention from the actual behaviors taking place. In both cases, it's essential to shift the focus away from labels and instead examine patterns of behavior, particularly those rooted in coercive control.
In my work with survivors, we focus on identifying and articulating these specific behaviors as a strategy to more effectively communicate their experiences. This approach helps survivors avoid being perceived as vindictive, and instead centers the conversation on the ongoing harm and power imbalances that are often at play.
Survivors are encouraged to document concrete actions—such as repeated interference with visitation, undermining their parental authority, or pressuring the child to take sides—rather than relying on broad or contested terminology.
By naming these behaviors clearly, survivors can highlight the ways coercive control continues even after separation, often through the children. Framing the issue around behavioral patterns rather than labels strengthens credibility in both legal and personal contexts, and helps keep the focus where it belongs: on the abuser’s tactics of manipulation, isolation, and control. Survivors can then make the case that the problem is not a disputed syndrome but a form of ongoing abuse that harms both the parent and the child.
If you are struggling in an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline : 1 (800)- 799-SAFE (7233) or the Human Rights Campaign . To find mental health support, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Bernet, W. (2020). Introduction to parental alienation. In D. Lorandos and W. Bernet (Eds.), Parental Alienation: Science and Law (pp. 5–43), Charles C Thomas, Publisher, Limited.
Kruk, E., & Harman, J. J. (2024). Countering Arguments Against Parental Alienation as A Form of Family Violence and Child Abuse. The American Journal of Family Therapy , 53 (2), 117–146.
Katz, E. (2022). Coercive control in children’s and mothers’ lives. Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190922214.001.0001
Meier, Joan. Questioning the validity of parental alienation labels in abuse cases. In J. Mercer and M. Drew (eds.). Challenging parental alienation. Routledge. Dec 2021. Web. Accessed Oct 16, 2022.
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Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of four books, including Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, and It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse.
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