The Dark Side of Love: Desiring the Unattainable
Why do we sometimes crave the impossible in our search for love?
Posted February 13, 2025 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Love isn’t always about happy endings. The Valentine’s Day season is filled with grand gestures, roses, and picture-perfect love stories—but not all love stories lead to togetherness. There’s another kind, one that lingers in the shadows, unspoken yet deeply felt: the love that remains just out of reach. And yet it often holds the power to shape us just as profoundly.
Why do we desire what we can’t have? Psychological research and theory offer some answers.
The Psychology of Wanting What’s Just Out of Reach
One explanation is the scarcity effect , which suggests that we assign greater value to things that are rare or difficult to obtain. If something is unavailable, we may automatically perceive it as more desirable. This applies to everything from luxury goods to romantic partners. When love feels scarce, we want it more.
Another key factor is partial reinforcement , a principle from behavioral psychology describing how we become more invested in things that only sometimes reward us. It is the unpredictability that is addictive. The same applies to love: If someone occasionally gives us attention but remains distant, our brains interpret this inconsistency as a challenge rather than a red flag, making us want them even more.
But why does this longing persist, even when we know deep down it isn’t leading anywhere? One possible explanation lies in cognitive dissonance , which refers to the mental discomfort we feel when our desires conflict with reality—and the defense mechanisms our minds use to reduce that discomfort. We might justify or reshape our thoughts, holding onto hope that things will change or convincing ourselves that the obstacles make the connection more meaningful. Often, these mental adjustments are helpful, allowing us to cope with conflicting emotions and maintain stability. But if we’re not intentional, they can also work against us, prolonging longing that no longer serves us and making it harder to let go.
The Paradox of Longing
The subject is relevant to philosophy and literature as philosophers and writers have also long explored this paradox. Buddhism teaches that desire is the root of suffering, urging us to detach from what we cannot control. Hinduism sees desire as a vital force but warns that, if left unchecked, it can lead to illusion. And George Bernard Shaw famously observed, “There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.”
Sometimes, what feels like a dream is only beautiful because it remains a dream. We chase what we can’t have, yet often find that when we finally attain what we longed for, it loses the magic it once held. The pursuit itself becomes the source of meaning, rather than the outcome.
Can We Learn From Unattainable Love?
While unfulfilled love can be painful, it can also be revealing. By examining our patterns of desiring the unattainable, we may uncover hidden emotional needs, unresolved past experiences, or even unrealistic expectations about love.
It can be beneficial to evaluate and reflect on such desires in terms of discovering more about ourselves, asking questions like, “What is the core of that desire I have?” “What do I really need?” Sometimes the unattainable can teach us a lot about what we’re really looking for. And with that information, we can then hope to find or create new conditions where we can actually attain it. Or at least, that’s how I desire to see it.
Lynn, M. (1992). The Psychology of Unavailability: Explaining Scarcity and Cost Effects on Value. Basic and Applied Social Psychology , 13 (1), 3–7. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15324834basp1301_2
Jenkins, W. O., & Stanley, J. C., Jr. (1950). Partial reinforcement: a review and critique. Psychological Bulletin, 47 (3), 193–234. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0060772
Harmon-Jones, E., & Mills, J. (2019). An introduction to cognitive dissonance theory and an overview of current perspectives on the theory. In E. Harmon-Jones (Ed.), Cognitive dissonance: Reexamining a pivotal theory in psychology (2nd ed., pp. 3–24). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000135-001
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Sebnem Ture, M.Sc., is a Ph.D. candidate in the Personality, Development, and Health program at Northwestern University.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.