The Curative Power of 'This Is Not About You'
Perfectionism is an unhealthy fixation on oneself disguised as self-love.
Updated May 5, 2026 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley
In the Netflix documentary Lainey Wilson: Keepin’ Country Cool , its talented, eponymous star describes her chronic mental health struggles, relating how burnout and anxiety frequently sap her. In battling chronic fatigue and demotivation, Lainey tells the audience that focusing on others helps her perform. She said, “I reached out to Reba, probably about a year ago. I said, ‘This is a loaded question, but what do you do when you feel like you can’t go any further?’ She said, ‘I do it for somebody else.’ And that right there has put so much in perspective for me. I get on that stage, and I do it for other people. This is not about you.”
While her perspective shift applies broadly to emotional struggles specifically, and meaningfully to me, it’s highly applicable to perfectionism . By its nature, perfectionism is the pursuit of self-respect and, less intellectually, self-love. Lainey’s realization implies a potential antidote if we choose to accept it. Perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of mastery, status, admiration, and approval. It begins with the idea that one isn’t worthy and, theoretically, is supposed to end with an achievement that makes one feel so. Perfectionism is a manifestation of obsessive-compulsive tendencies, which means it contains ill-defined goals that never seem to align with anything done (and/or poorly reasoned arguments for how some achievement, in an ever-changing environment, as status and popularity tend to rise and fall, can make one finally like themself).
Screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky remarked that all talented writers inevitably face the void, asking, What is it all for? We can broaden his revelation to include all sorts of talented individuals. I obviously can’t speak for Lainey, but we can at least imagine someone of her stature realizing that success doesn’t seem to provide many of the anticipated rewards. While extraordinary, Lainey’s life is also incredibly mundane; much of the documentary highlights the behind-the-scenes of her day-to-day life, which is fairly boring . A musician, or any artist, watching it may conclude that her life can’t by itself make anyone feel good enough, especially when we consider her setbacks.
I previously wrote about my diagnosis of bipolar II disorder and how the misconception around it is that hypomania implies externally stimulated joy (i.e., “This makes me happy.”). In reality, here, joy most often stems from the expectation of an experience, more so than the experience itself, from your thoughts more so than from the world. So, nothing really ever lives up to the hype, at least not for me. Associate this with perfectionism, and we can safely conclude it’s in large part because nothing is perfect. Deeper, nothing ever really proves to me that I’m worthy of love, as everything crumbles under the foundation of "It must be perfect." So, I have two options: I can either continue to pursue perfection elsewhere, jumping from one adrenaline-filled pursuit to another, or shift my focus.
If I were in Lainey Wilson’s shoes, for example, I’d have to decide what to do with my music career . Should I keep going despite the lack of excitement and diminished expectations, essentially despite my hedonic adaptation ? I’d argue, yes. The delusion of arrival fuels obsessiveness and perfectionism, the belief that somewhere out there is a source of respite. If I chose another pursuit, to start again elsewhere, then I’m only feeding it. Reba’s advice, to step outside of oneself, is one of the few good options aimed at keeping obsessiveness at bay. While this seems like a pessimistic take, as I’m sure some of you are thinking it means that happiness is out of reach, that isn’t so, but ecstasy is.
Lainey found joy in making others happy. She met with a fan and her mother, diagnosed with stage-4 cancer, and experienced deep satisfaction in comforting them. And, I can bet that she felt proud of herself for fulfilling her duty. Sometimes, you have to perform because doing so helps others. If perfectionism implies forced success, then love, to quote psychotherapist Nishi Ravi, is an unfolding; it has no need to rush. If I no longer have to prove myself to myself, then I can discover new ways to be happy, less frenzied ones.
To me, Lainey is worthy because of her ability and willingness to give love, regardless of whether or not she thinks she’s worthy of receiving it. It’s cliché but true: You can often find the thing you’re searching for when you stop looking. Lainey provides the perfectionist with a blueprint. Focus on making others happy and fulfilling your obligations. I can’t promise that you’ll feel better, but at least you’ll get a break from yourself. The idea that something is not about you is as much for you as it is for others. Perfectionism is a black hole, exhausting our internal resources without much provision. There’s something about no longer chasing. There’s something about just choosing to love. There’s something about deciding to try to be happy, even if it’s vicariously. I’m not blaming anyone for their unhappiness; I’m only saying that we have options.
Share this post Facebook Bluesky Linkedin Email
There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.
By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy
Leon Garber is a licensed mental health counselor in Brooklyn, NY. He specializes in treating obsessive-compulsive disorder, perfectionism, and existential issues.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.