The Bad Part of Being Good

Conscientious people try hard to be good, often too hard for their well-being.

Posted May 28, 2026 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Some of the most anxious people I see in my psychotherapy practice are also among the most capable and responsible. They are hardworking, and they hold themselves to high standards. In other words, they are very good at being "good."

Conscientiousness , the personality trait characterized by self-control , responsibility, hard work, and orderliness, is generally advantageous. Conscientious people tend to do better at work, maintain healthier relationships, and even live longer, in part, because they follow medical advice and take care of themselves. 1 Conscientiousness is, understandably, a trait we try to cultivate in ourselves and our children.

However, there can be too much of a good thing. Intense self-control contributes to anxiety and inhibition. A strong drive for orderliness can lead to obsessive control of one's environment. The pursuit of excellence can become perfectionism and lead to burnout . 2 Conscientiousness, in its extreme forms, can wear people down and quietly narrow their lives.

Conscientiousness is not, in itself, a moral virtue. It is a personality trait that describes (rather than prescribes) a spectrum of inherited tendencies and environmental influences. 3 The less conscientious person has real strengths too: Their spontaneity and appetite for risk can be genuinely adaptive for themselves and for the groups they belong to. 4 In modern life, conscientiousness is rewarded so powerfully that its costs tend to go unexamined.

In my psychotherapy practice, I often see the downside of the intense effort to be good. Extremely conscientious people often struggle with a pervasive sense of guilt about falling short of their obligations to others and their expectations for themselves. Their need for order and control fuels anxiety, and their intolerance of uncertainty can paralyze decision-making . Their close relationships can also suffer when their avoidance of conflict and difficult emotions keeps others at a distance.

The problem with always trying harder

When these strains on the conscientious person bring them into therapy, their first instinct is often to try harder, seeing therapy as a new way to address their deficits. When confronted with the possibility that their standards are self-punishing, they tend to worry that they are being asked to fail themselves or others.

I try to help conscientious people see that their ideals are not necessarily too high, but may be too rigid. A useful analogy here is the overtrained athlete . Imagine a distance runner who has built her fitness steadily over years, increasing her mileage, intensifying her speed work, getting faster and more competitive. Her intense training helps her meet her goals . But eventually, overuse injuries slow her down despite her overall fitness. In this case, the solution isn't to stop running or accept being slower. It is to build in more recovery and, crucially, to strengthen the muscles and connective tissue she's been taking for granted.

The extremely conscientious person is in a similar position. Their drive and discipline have genuinely served them well. The answer isn't to dismantle those traits, but to "train" aspects of themselves that they have neglected to bring more balance to their lives.

There are three core approaches to retraining the rigid ideals of the conscientious person.

Embracing uncertainty and imperfection

As they strive to be moral, rational, and successful, conscientious people tend to avoid uncertainty, imperfection, conflict, and intense emotion . Often, this avoidance is outside of their awareness and deeply ingrained in patterns of behavior.

Anxiety and avoidance are locked in a self-reinforcing cycle: We tend to avoid the things that make us anxious, and this avoidance reinforces and intensifies the anxiety. Avoiding uncertainty offers a temporary and false sense of control.

Gradually and progressively approaching the situations that trigger anxiety is the foundation of exposure therapy, one of the most well-supported interventions in psychotherapy. 5 Starting with small steps, experiencing anxiety, and noticing one's worst fears aren’t realized, one can learn to move past the triggers and engage in behaviors that have been avoided. In practice, this can look quite modest: sending an email after editing it once, rather than revising it five times to anticipate every possible reaction; submitting a project despite lingering doubts; sharing a difficult feeling with someone you trust. For the conscientious person, accepting uncertainty in these small ways can feel like leaping into the unknown. Pushing through what seems like trivial discomforts is the path toward more meaningful change.

Turning toward difficult emotions and interactions

Conscientiousness includes careful control of strong emotions, which is often appropriate, especially in professional contexts. However, emotional inhibition is problematic when it fails to adapt to the context. Relationships often involve friction. Effective communication sometimes means disappointing someone, saying something uncomfortable, or asking for what you need. Conscientious people often default to passive accommodation and then, when pushed too far, snap with anger . They often benefit from practicing calm, assertive , and direct communication in emotionally charged contexts.

It can also be a challenge for conscientious people to share vulnerable emotions in appropriate contexts. Sharing feelings of sadness, hurt, and worry with our closest friends and family allows us to feel closer to them and allows them to feel closer to us. Conscientious people usually benefit from pushing themselves to share more vulnerable emotions with trusted others.

Letting go of problem-solving

Perhaps the most counterintuitive challenge for the conscientious person is simply to stop trying so hard. The same capacity for focused, effortful thinking that makes them effective can also make them prone to rumination and worry, spinning in thought about problems that aren't immediately solvable. They find it hard to step out of problem-solving mode.

When I ask people who are stuck in problem-solving where they naturally let go of that mode, the answers are consistent: physical exercise, time in nature, creative activities, playing with children, and socializing with friends. Cultivating more time and attention for play, creativity , and rest is an obvious place to start. These kinds of activities aren’t merely a break from real work; they nourish cognitive and emotional capacities that effortful problem-solving tends to neglect.

Mindfulness practices are also a powerful antidote to overthinking. Although sometimes oversold, mindfulness includes a family of well-researched practices that directly address rumination and rigid thinking. 6 The goal of mindfulness, sustaining attention to the present moment without judgment, 7 is a genuine counterbalance to the analytic tendencies of the conscientious mind. By focusing on breathing and bodily sensations while letting thoughts and emotions pass, mindfulness challenges our minds' tendency to get stuck in overthinking.

Of course, some of the easy options for escaping overwork and effortfulness can be unhealthy: alcohol , drugs, and electronic media. I find that conscientious people are more vulnerable to these vices despite, and sometimes because of, their rigid efforts at self-control. There is no harm in limited "escapes" to relax, but for many people with self-punishing standards, these behaviors can fuel avoidance and become obsessive.

Psychotherapy is also a way of loosening the rigid thought patterns in the mind. The non-judgmental and open-ended exploration of one’s experience with a therapist can create an opportunity to tune in to emotions beneath the surface, to practice sharing them with others, and to see more clearly the cost of rigid ideals. Exploring one’s worries and emotional life with an experienced therapist can be a powerful form of help for the conscientious person. Of course, the avoidance of emotion and a fear of dependence on others can make it hard for conscientious people to seek help.

The conscientious person's instinct, when struggling, is to try harder. The insights from psychotherapy offer a different path: Let go of effortful control, turn toward what's uncomfortable, including emotion, and invest in the parts of life that have been starved by the struggle to be good.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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Ben Endres, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist with a background in philosophy who specializes in addressing complex interpersonal challenges in personal and professional life.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.