The Anxiety Behind Exceptionalism
How to relax and let yourself be ordinary.
Posted December 29, 2025 | Reviewed by Devon Frye
“ Self-awareness is a supreme gift, a treasure as precious as life. ” —Irwin Yalom
Many high-functioning adults come to therapy believing their drive to be exceptional is a strength. But over time, it often becomes clear that their need to feel special stems from a more profound fear of being ordinary and therefore unlovable.
Rebecca, a successful lawyer in her early 30s, once told me, “When I’m dating someone, I need constant reinforcement that I’m special to them. If not, I lose interest, which lately feels confusing.”
Growing up, Rebecca's mother praised her effusively when she excelled. But when Rebecca struggled to get stellar grades in school or showed everyday human needs, her mother withdrew emotionally. Rebecca learned a powerful lesson early on: Be exceptional or be invisible.
People who grow up feeling that they must perform to get love are especially vulnerable to love-bombing. Because this pattern evolved during her childhood , Rebecca wasn’t fully aware that her need to feel “special” was an unconscious pattern. In this way, love-bombing in adult relationships often mirrors the narcissistic parent-child dynamic: Praise comes from standing out or being exceptional.
In therapy, I slowly helped Rebecca become aware of her experience when she felt excessively validated or “special.”
“I feel great when my boss acknowledges my hard work, but that feeling never lasts,” she said. As she paid closer attention , she realized that her accomplishments only brought temporary relief. The familiar emptiness always returned.
Rebecca unconsciously equated ordinariness with worthlessness. The more closely we explored her emotional experiences—especially around people who ignited that “special” feeling—the more Rebecca saw how much she performed to receive it.
Research by psychologist Eddie Brummelman and colleagues (2015) tracked 565 children over 18 months and found that narcissism was more likely to develop in kids whose parents overvalued them, telling them they were superior to others and deserved special treatment. Meanwhile, children who developed healthy self-esteem had parents who consistently showed warmth and affection regardless of achievement.
The difference? Narcissistic children learned “I'm better than others,” while children with self-esteem learned “I'm worthy as I am.” Rebecca never developed a stable sense of self-worth in childhood, so she sought it externally, through an extraordinary partner and constant love-bombing.
“I just wish I could find a partner who likes me for who I am,” Rebecca would say. But when she tried to be vulnerable in relationships, she panicked. Feeling average made her feel forgettable, so she ended up sabotaging her relationships.
By sticking close to her experiences in the moment, Rebecca began to see her patterns of behavior in real time. And in doing so, she started to let go of her need to feel special.
The Simple (Yet Complex) Solution
- Accept that you are mostly ordinary.
Consider that self-worth can be found in your relatedness to others, including stable and unexciting people. Accepting ordinariness doesn’t erase uniqueness—we all have skills and talents that others don’t—but it does relax the pressure to overachieve for love. And that can be liberating.
Rebecca’s career trajectory did not change when she gave up her special quotient. Healthy ambition occurs when realistic expectations are in place, and the validation comes slowly over time through hard work.
- Unhook worth from exceptionalism.
You don’t need to lower your standards or abandon ambition. But you don't have to be the most interesting person at the dinner table to deserve connection. Being average at most things isn’t failure; it’s just being human. Love doesn't require performance to be earned.
- Build self-awareness by recognizing your patterns.
In therapy, the work involves tracing the often-potent pull of feeling exceptional—or the behaviors exhibited to achieve it—to their origins, often in early childhood. Grieving what you didn't get from your primary caregivers, such as unconditional love, can help change behavioral patterns.
- Increase tolerance for being average .
Try sitting with the discomfort of not standing out. If you like being the center of attention, become more observant. Notice if you put energy into being a “pick me” person, or trying to be a part of the “in crowd.” If you gravitate to flashy material items or ignore people who do not broadcast their importance, see what it would feel like to lean in the opposite direction.
Existential psychologist Irvin Yalom wrote that mature self-acceptance requires mourning the grandiose self, letting go of the fantasy that you're uniquely special or exempt from human limitations.
A year or so into therapy, Rebecca had a realization: “I've been looking for an extraordinary partner because I need proof that I'm extraordinary. Honestly, I just want someone who loves me when I get anxious or leave the dishes in the sink."
“Anything else?” I asked.
“I want to be boring sometimes. Maybe I even want a boring partner. I want someone consistent and reliable, who loves me even when I haven't accomplished anything, when I'm just me. Unremarkable me.”
The work is learning that ordinariness doesn't equal worthlessness. It’s in recognizing that you deserved love on the days you failed tests or cried over everyday disappointments. You deserve love not because you are special, but because you exist.
Rebecca learned that she had always been enough, especially on ordinary days.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4378434/
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Keven Duffy, LCSW, is an analytically-trained psychotherapist in New York City who specializes in behavior, identity and relationships.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.