Talking to a New Partner About Erection Difficulty
When and how to disclose erection difficulty.
Updated May 28, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Whether you have a diagnosable case of erectile dysfunction or just experience occasional difficulty, discussing this with new partners can feel uncomfortable. Many men worry that they will be rejected if they disclose too soon. However, holding onto that information can also create anxiety .
The following case is a composite with client details anonymized to protect privacy:
Jay was in his 40s and dating . He experienced performance pressure during sex and was on guard with new partners, fearful he would not be able to get or maintain an erection. This worry was self-reinforcing. While monitoring his genitals, he wasn’t enjoying the moment or getting aroused.
This fed into negative beliefs about himself—that he was less of a man and incapable of satisfying others. He avoided disclosure, expecting to receive the same criticism from partners. He apologized repeatedly for his “failure.” When partners responded with unease, it only confirmed his beliefs.
Erection difficulty with new partners is not a failure. It’s contextual and understandable.
First-time sex can be arousing for some, but it is anxiety-provoking for many others. The stakes feel high when everything seems to ride on that one moment. They want to make a good impression and end up acting cautiously. There may be awkwardness navigating an unfamiliar person and body. They may also have expectations of how sex “should” be—specifically, that it has to be penetrative. That makes intimacy more work than play.
Jay pushed himself to have intercourse during first-time encounters, assuming his partners expected it and would be upset if it didn’t happen. He generally avoided talking about sex, not sharing what he wanted and not asking his partners what they desired either. He spent so much time in his head, trying to make the intimacy go a specific way, that he couldn’t relax. It wasn’t an erotic experience, and he wasn't getting aroused.
When to Talk About It
There are multiple times you could bring up erection concerns with a new partner. Ultimately, it comes down to personal preference.
Some guys are more comfortable disclosing before meeting in person, when communication is still through an app or over text. This relieves preparatory anxiety and makes expectations clear from the start. This strategy works well when you know sex will be imminent.
In the early stages of dating or when sex seems less likely, it can make sense to wait a bit. This allows time to get to know each other and for initial social anxiety to lower. It also creates the possibility for sex to come up naturally in the conversation rather than raising it out of the blue.
Some wait until intimacy starts. This runs the risk of talking while under performance pressure, making the conversation feel more difficult. For others, that is a natural time to disclose. It feels immediately relevant. Also, there can be the hope of speeding through the embarrassing part and going right into the action (a strategy that is not always successful).
Other men decide to not disclose until after erection difficulty has occurred.
This was Jay’s initial strategy. However, by the time he experienced difficulty, he was not in the mood to talk. Sad, frustrated, and awash in shame , he would abruptly leave the bedroom in silence. He assumed his partners had a bad time and would not follow up with them. When he entered therapy , he was despairing and uncertain how to talk about it.
For some, waiting to talk means sitting in anxiety before and shame after. However, others find it to be a helpful choice: The erection difficulty might not happen, medication might reduce uncertainty, or, if it’s a one-time encounter, the fear around judgment can feel lower.
Each of the above strategies has its advantages, but what really matters is how you talk about it rather than when. If you come across as nervous or apologetic, that signals there is a problem, making you and your partners feel cautious and uneasy.
The best approach is matter-of-fact:
When you show you’re not concerned, your partner knows they don’t need to be either. These statements turn erection difficulties from a problem into a simple fact of life. When erection loss happens, it won’t feel like a crisis, and you won’t need to over-explain or apologize .
Apologizing—especially when it is done repeatedly—does not relieve insecurity but creates it, framing the issue as problematic. Lead with the positive instead. Afterward, direct the conversation to what you enjoyed. This invites enthusiasm rather than concern.
What You Can Do About It
Your comfort in talking will directly depend on how you feel about the erection difficulty. Talk to a sex therapist to process any emotions around it. They can help you explore what is within your control. Shifting focus from what’s not working to what’s possible can be relieving.
Consider your expectations for sex. Where do these expectations come from, and how do they align with your actual desires? Explore your eroticism beyond penetrative sex. What elements about your partner, the environment , or yourself increase desire?
Oral medications like sildenafil support erections rather than create them. They won’t override anxiety. However, knowing you have assistance can lower self-monitoring.
Know that getting comfortable with disclosure often means being uncomfortable at first. With experience, it can feel less daunting.
Jay eventually accepted that he could not change the reliability of his erections, but he could navigate it. He began talking to partners beforehand, simply stating that he wasn’t always erect during intimacy. He then pivoted to what he desired and enjoyed. This lowered his stress and allowed him to focus on the pleasure of the moment. When he stopped trying to force erections, they sometimes arrived more easily. More importantly, he learned that they didn’t need to be his sole focus.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
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Adam Prestegord, LCSW , is a licensed clinical social worker and author of a forthcoming book on erectile dysfunction.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.