Stop Narcissistic Abuse Through Personal Boundaries
Halt destructive relationships by shielding yourself.
Updated January 23, 2025 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Everyone talks about narcissism, often surrounding behaviors that offend or violate them. Popular speakers on the subject advise us to go " no contact " with narcissists. There are additional directions to take with narcissists via the anatomy of boundaries , our shields against stress , and our tank of psychological resources.
Drawing on the work of Stiles, et. al. (2009), we can get more sophisticated against narcissism by learning to use what I term "boundary holes, walls, and doors" in my book The Secret Psychology of How We Fall In Love . These constructs are not official and are of my own design.
The Boundary as a "Shield" and a "Tank"
In my diagram, you may see how our boundary works as a shield that protects us from stress. This emotion arises from interactions with others and impinges on our boundaries. Add even more intensity and malicious intent to "stress," and you get narcissistic abuse, whose results inside you are psychological trauma .
Our personal, psychological, and material resources are stored inside our boundaries like a "tank of fuel." This makes getting close or intimate with us a " source of supply " to narcissists, who seek to take the resources of others, much like a thief siphoning gasoline out of the gas tanks of others.
Stress and Self-esteem Are Opposites
Two general categories of stress come from outside our boundaries:
Stress = "Hurt" + "Loss (or Threat of It)"
These stresses are associated with anger and anxiety, as well as two corresponding types of self-esteem, which is positive emotional energy. The amount of anger or anxiety we feel correlates with a reduction of the following two types of self-esteem:
Self-esteem = Well-being + Confidence
Again, these constructs are not official and are of my own design.
Boundary Integrity and Psychological Trauma
Boundary Integrity: Solid boundaries shield against stress. Such a person is said to have an " internal locus of control ." They say the word, no , often, and are at the steering wheel of their life. However, if there are weaknesses in these boundaries, stress can penetrate easily. This other person is said to have an " external locus of control ." They always say, "yes," even when they don't mean it, giving a sense of helplessness also commonly seen in depression .
It is more than stress when holes are busted open against our will and over our protest (saying “no”). It is called a “trauma,” in this case, caused by narcissistic abuse, potentially giving rise to the state seen in PTSD called “hyperarousal,” where we are oversensitive, overwhelmed, and “triggered.” We see this ever more frequently today in clinical practice. Yet being triggered or overwhelmed may just as easily be caused by native "holes" being there in the first place, never developing into more adult boundary strength.
In fact, "holes" being in the boundary in the first place make it even easier to be traumatized by life.
"Holes" (Stiles' "porous boundaries") also cause suffering within trauma. By "looking out for them," we feel entitled to attempt to control the uncontrollable environment, burning energy, time, money, and effort and wasting them on what we must just surrender to for now. The key word, then, to recognize your own "boundary holes," weaknesses, "issues," or the "buttons" that people push is the word "suffering," which makes you wish to control what you don't.
Another slightly better anatomical feature of boundaries is “walls.”
Healing Using "Boundary Walls," Then "Doors"
Boundary Walls (Scars):
"Boundary walls" (Stiles' "rigid boundaries") are formed like psychological "scars" and have you more protected against future stress but more isolated and “starving” for interpersonal interactions such as learning, collaboration , communication, friendship , and love. This is seen in the “numbing” phase of PTSD, where you isolate, dissociate , and have an avoidance of the potential triggers in your environment.
Boundary Doors (Flexible and Adaptive):
Boundary doors (Stiles' "healthy boundaries") are the most mature and virtuous anatomy of a boundary. They are the opposite of narcissistic pathology, most resistant to the narcissism of others. They are dynamic and adaptive to environments, unlike the other two features, which are merely static.
Doors are neither holes nor walls. Instead, they are open to constructive, win/win interactions with others but close to destructive, win/lose interactions with others. They can even alternate between the two with the same person, a concept called "negotiation" (or good politics ). They say " no " often and " yes" only when they mean it.
Only "doors" help you navigate around or away from narcissists and offer a chance to spur narcissists to change and improve their behavior if they want to do anything collaborative with you.
Anne Scott Stiles, Diane Wilson, and Kenneth Thompson (2009). Description and Application of Personal Boundary Theory in Traumatized Adults Through the Use of Russian Stacking Dolls. Green Cross Academy of Traumatology, Volume 15, Issue 2.
Hayes, S. C., & Pankey, K. (1996). " Functions of personal boundaries: A functional model of autonomy and connectedness ." Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 1092-1098.
Paul Dobransky, M.D. (2007). The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love. Penguin/Plume. 167-195.
Gonzalez, N. (2020). " Personal boundaries and emotional intelligence: Understanding the link. " International Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences, 10(2), 35-42.
Derlega, V. J., & Grzelak, J. (1979). The development of personal boundaries: An analysis of interpersonal communication and self-disclosure." Journal of Social Issues, 35(3), 146-161.
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Paul Dobransky, M.D. , is a psychiatrist and author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love and The Power of Female Friendship .
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