Stalking, Obsessive Fixations, and Acts of Revenge
Failure to accept the end of a relationship can lead to dangerous obsessions.
Updated August 26, 2025 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
The beginnings of romantic relationships are often defined by intense preoccupations, idealisations, and a sense of wonder. A version of a break from reality is typical and newly-in-love partners often neglect their friends, family members, work or studies, immersing themselves in the highs and lows of their relationship. They may become wholly preoccupied with their love and believe that no one else has ever experienced such joy and desire, convinced that they have found "the one." Almost every conversation revolves around their new relationship, or a connected detail, and anyone and anything else seems dreary and unimportant in comparison. They may fantasise not just about the next meeting with the beloved but also about a shared future and ultimate fulfilment. The emotional intensity can be all-consuming.
When romantic relationships break down, as they often do, and one party sees the connection in the harsh light of reality, the other may remain in blissful ignorance of the problems. While one person becomes dissatisfied and notices incompatibilities and irreconcilable differences, wanting to separate and move on, the other still desperately wants to carry on with the relationship and finds the process of letting go very hard to manage. Breaking up can be akin to mourning, and the death of promise, of a fantasy, is intensely painful. Most of us manage this, despite the devastating feelings of loss, rejection, or failure. But for a few, this task is impossible. When working with forensic patients, I often see ordinary human experience writ large, and the case of disappointed romantic love is no exception. As I described in another post , stalking and obsession can lead to danger, even threats to kill or murder. I have worked with men and women whose refusal to accept that their beloved no longer wants them, or, in some cases, never did in the first place, has led to obsessive plotting and dangerous acts of violence. Often these acts are fuelled by revenge fantasies , ones that mean the betraying lover will rue the day they ended the relationship or will see that they were misguided to leave "the one." Those who refuse to accept the end of the relationship can become obsessed with the need to regain the love that once sustained them, and they refuse to see that their love object is no longer interested or has moved on.
In the worst cases, there are delusional aspects to their beliefs, and reality gets wholly distorted. Innocuous behaviour by an ex is misinterpreted as a sign of true love, and attempts to establish distance are not seen as rejections, but are twisted into declarations of love. One such woman became convinced that her ex-partner was stalking her, pursuing her despite the risks, and was obsessed with her. In fact, he had ended the relationship and was seeing another person. Only through stalking her ex-partner, sending him death threats, and sometimes nude pictures, did she get his attention . This was, above all else, what she craved, falsely believing that contact would lead to reunion.
The stalker and the stalked can become locked into a destructive, all-encompassing relationship, in which desperation and fear replace love and connection. The person still in the thrall of romantic love is beside themselves when the relationship ends and preserves it as intact and whole in their mind. Because they are convinced that their ex is simply deluded, and still harbours deep love for them, they persuade themselves that seeing one another again will lead to a reunion. Then, a terrible mistake that was made can be unmade.
They invent reasons for meeting, following their ex home, turning up at their workplaces, writing, emailing, sending messages on social media , and stalking them both virtually and in reality. They find clues on their Spotify playlists or Instagram posts that reassure them of their ex's ongoing feelings of love, regret and preoccupation. They reach out, sometimes against restraining orders, begging, threatening, and tricking their ex into seeing them again. The stalked ex starts to become as preoccupied with their stalker as the stalker is with them, as is so powerfully depicted in the Netflix drama Baby Reindeer . The risks of being stalked and of this turning to violence increase significantly if the victim has had a prior relationship with their stalker. In their research, Reid Meloy et al. found that having a prior relationship with the victim, intimate or platonic, significantly increased the frequency of threats and violence.
While many people think of “stalking” in the context of a stranger or a celebrity, most stalking victims are stalked by someone they know. Recent statistics show that in the United States, 61% of female victims and 44% of male victims are stalked by a current or former intimate partner. The stalking contact tends to be ongoing and frequent. In the U.S., 46% of stalking victims reported experiencing at least one unwanted contact per week. Two thirds of stalkers pursue their victims at least once per week using more than one method. Stalking is a high-risk factor for fatality. Additionally, people who are being stalked are aware of the risk and troubled enough by the threatening behaviour to report it to the police. Shockingly, in the U.S., 54% of female homicide victims reported stalking to the police before they were killed by their stalker.
The pain of unrequited love can, it would appear, be relieved, albeit temporarily, by the awful thrill of revenge. As James Kimmel argues in his work on revenge, it lights up the same area of the brain activated by drug addiction , activating the pleasure circuitry in our brains. This is ultimately doomed, as the relief of revenge is only short-lived, and the avenger requires another "hit" to obtain relief, becoming caught up in an endless cycle of revenge-seeking. Instead, Kimmel argues, we need to be able to forgive those who hurt us, replacing rageful aggression and murderous hate with understanding and acceptance. Yet for those who have felt that they have found and lost ultimate happiness , this goal can feel unattainable.
Kimmel, J (2025) The Science of Revenge: Understanding the World's Deadliest Addiction—and How to Overcome It. New York: Harmony
Motz, A (2014) Toxic Relationships: The Psychology of Domestic Violence. Hove:Routledge
Noesner, K Kajeepeta,S., Hill, E. www.nyc.gov/assets/ocdv/downloads/pdf/201901_FoundationReport_Stalking…
J. Reid Meloy, Ph.D., Kris Mohandie, Ph.D., and Mila Green, Ph.D., “The Female Stalker,” Behavioral Sciences and the Law, (2011), DOI: 10.1002/bsl.976.
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Anna Motz is consultant clinical and forensic psychologist and psychotherapist in a women's prison, providing specialist consultation, assessment, and treatment for high-risk women.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.