Sexual Abuse in Intimate Relationships: Beyond Coercion
Intimate partner sexual violence is common, under-recognized, and traumatic.
Posted January 28, 2026 | Reviewed by Davia Sills
Intimate partner sexual abuse affects victims deeply, causing pain, shame , and terror.
For domestic abusers, sex is about domination more than pleasure. Over time, abusive sex can damage targets’ sense of safety, self-esteem , and well-being. The intimacy of a dating or marital relationship makes it hard to label the unwanted sexual experiences as abuse. The abuser doesn’t need to use pressure every time to get compliance.
Sexual coercion in a relationship is sex that is not exactly forced, but not entirely voluntary, either. Coercion can result in unwanted consensual sex (Katz & Tirone, 2010). That is, a target is pressured to consent or submit to unwanted sex. Over time, the target learns that it is easier to give in and “get it over with” than to try to resist. The target may learn to dissociate or turn to substances to endure the sexual acts. But sexual abuse in relationships extends beyond coercion.
Many domestic abusers think they are entitled to sex and that their partners’ feelings about it are irrelevant. Stark (2022) called this “sex on demand.” Here's an example:
Carol had never lived with a man when she moved in with Steve. Steve asserted his "right" to have intercourse with Carol any time he wanted, regardless of whether she was working, immediately post-partum , suffering from a UTI, or simply tired. He would only hug, kiss, or put his arms around her when having intercourse.
I have interviewed hundreds of domestic violence victim-survivors. Some say their abusive partner deliberately caused them pain during sex.
Miriam was 19 and a virgin when she married a 35-year-old divorced man, Sayid. She described their sex as “painful every single time.” She didn’t know it could be different until she spoke to a midwife during her first pregnancy . The midwife explained that affection before intercourse, clitoral stimulation, and using lubrication would likely make her more comfortable. When Miriam told Sayid, he revealed that he was deliberately making sex painful so she wouldn't want to have sex with others.
Sometimes, domestic abusers will use sex as a punishment . Veronica described her boyfriend deliberately hurting her:
"The last year of the relationship, he would be so rough during sex that I would be in pain for days. He would be pressing me for sex, and I was still hurting from the last time. When I asked him about it after we broke up, he said it was because we didn’t have sex often enough, so he wanted to 'get his licks in.'"
Randall’s partner, Sam, would insist on anal sex almost every night. Randall found this painful. “He’d say I owed him. He had done so much for me. If I told him it hurt, he'd laugh and tell me that ‘pain is pleasure.’”
Urinary Tract Infections
Overly frequent sex and certain sexual practices can contribute to urinary tract infections (UTIs), especially in women. A UTI can make penetrative vaginal sex excruciating for women. Antibiotics and a break from vaginal sex are recommended for UTI recovery.
One survivor remembers her doctor telling her to “have sex less often” when she asked how to avoid frequent UTIs. Her (abusive) partner ignored this advice. Pushing sex while knowing it can cause or delay the recovery from a UTI shows a blatant disregard for the partner’s well-being.
Strangulation or "Choking"
Porn inspires many abusers to strangle (or “choke”) their partners during sex. Some men now think they are entitled to grab their partners by the neck during sex. The Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention emphasizes that strangulation during sex is as dangerous as other kinds of partial strangulation. Strangulation impedes blood flow to the brain and may block airways. Even short periods of reduced blood flow or oxygen can lead to lasting damage.
Laura said that her husband would wrap both hands around her neck and squeeze almost every time they had sex . “I never liked it. In the beginning, I told him, ‘Would you not? It hurts.’ I would pull on his hands, trying to get them loose. He would squeeze tighter. I couldn’t get him to stop. I just accepted that this was the way things were. But it terrified me and made me dread sex, which I used to like.”
Multiple Partners, Swinging, and Polyamory
It’s abusive to bring new sex partners into a relationship unless all partners fully consent. Domestic abusers often have long- or short-term sexual partners “on the side.” Sometimes, domestic abusers will push their partners to agree to multiple sexual partners as a lifestyle. If there's pushing involved, it's not a freely given choice. Here’s one example:
Clarence posted Jamila’s photograph on dating websites for swingers, threesomes, and polyamory . She was the bait, and the women were the prize for him. When he later complained that the threesomes weren't enough, Jamila agreed to “open” their relationship. Clarence refused to stop having unprotected sex with multiple women. He made Jamila feel guilty for wanting to be monogamous. She separated from him.
Domestic abusers sometimes degrade their partners by complaining about them sexually in front of others.
Cassie, who said she had sex with her husband every other night like clockwork, but not more, to avoid UTIs, described him making her look bad. "Especially if he was drinking, he would bring up the supposed lack of sex in our marriage in front of people. He would make it seem like I was a bad wife who wouldn’t have sex with her husband. My mother-in-law even spoke to me privately about men’s ‘needs.’ I didn’t dare answer her back.”
Anna was shocked when, on Mother’s Day, her abusive husband announced to their children that he was buying her plastic surgery. He said it was a present “to fix her flat boobs and lumpy butt.” She felt humiliated by these comments .
Domestic abusers sometimes demand sexual images of their partners or take such images with or without their partners’ consent.
Young-Hee knew that her husband was recording their sex, but she felt helpless to resist. Her husband would withhold attention from the children or refuse to pay bills unless she allowed him to take sexual videos. “When he was out of town, he would also push and push for me to send him nudes. He would wear me down and make me feel like I wasn’t being a good wife. And if I didn’t do it, he’d get pissy. To not have him come back from a trip all mad, I’d cave and send him stuff."
Abusers will sometimes treat sex as currency, as in, “I will mow the lawn if you….” Or an abuser might oblige their partner to engage in an unwanted sexual act in exchange for a purchase. One survivor's husband said he would only pay for the children’s braces if she’d consent to anal sex.
Some survivors describe their partners cruelly rejecting them sexually for months or even years on end as a way of communicating to them that they are unworthy, ugly, etc. Rejecting sex as an act of aggression is different from refusing sex for other reasons.
If you believe your current or former partner behaved in a sexually abusive way toward you, the following tips may help:
Katz, J. & Tirone, V. (2010). Going along with it: Sexually coercive partner behavior predicts dating women’s compliance with unwanted sex. Violence Against Women, 16 , 730–742
McOrmond-Plummer, L., Levy-Peck, J.Y. & Easteal, P. (2016). Perpetrators of Intimate Partner Sexual Violence: A Multidisciplinary Approach to Prevention, Recognition, and Intervention . New York: Routledge.
Stark, E. (2007 & 2022). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. London: Oxford University Press.
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Lisa Aronson Fontes , Ph.D. , is a senior lecturer at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, and the author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.