Self-Help for Narcissists: How to Improve Your Timing
Avoid sabotaging your own goals by paying more attention to your timing.
Posted July 13, 2025 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Every person I know with narcissistic personality disorder has problems with timing in intimate relationships. This becomes obvious as soon as they lose their temper or they impulsively insist on making a point before pausing and thinking it through.
They could be great at long term planning in business and brilliant at timing new product launches, but as their ego becomes involved, and they feel the need to defend or explain themselves to another person, their common sense goes out the window. They stop strategizing and just dump and vent.
If you recognize yourself in this description, you have probably stood there helplessly watching yourself sabotage your relationship with someone you value because you felt narcissistically wounded by something this person said or did. Here is how it went:
When my narcissistic clients are honest with themselves, they reluctantly admit that they keep alienating people around them because it does not occur to them to pause and think things through before they erupt.
What do you need to know?
Unlike what you may have read on the internet, narcissistic personality disorder is treatable by appropriate psychotherapy . The same interventions that I developed to use with my narcissistic clients in therapy can be adapted to be used by motivated, self-aware narcissists to help them identify where they need to make changes.
I have written a series of self-help articles for this group of highly motivated and intelligent narcissists who are eager to to help themselves. These articles, of which this is one, can be found here on my blog “Understanding Narcissism” for www.psychologytoday.com . They can be used on their own or brought to therapy and worked with under your therapist’s guidance.
Note: In this article I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, NPD, and narcissistic adaptation as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
What should you be asking yourself?
Example: Chris and Susan
Chris is an exhibitionist narcissist married to Susan with two teenage sons. He is a successful businessman but a failure as a spouse and father. He thought he had a good marriage , and that his sons admired him, until the day Susan asked for a divorce and said she was taking the children because they asked if they could please stay with her.
His family wanted Chris to leave because he was so self-centered and only thought about what he wanted. Although Susan worked outside the home, Chris had convinced himself that he was entitled to call the shots because he earned more than her. The truth is that Chris was a "me" who had never integrated into the "we" of the family.
How Did Chris’s Bad Timing Contribute to this Situation?
Chris never bothered to look at the family calendar to see who had what going on when. He ignored everyone else’s schedule and made his own plans without trying to coordinate with the rest of the family. He expected them to just defer to him and rearrange things to suit him.
Chris caused chaos and didn’t notice or care!
Here are some things Susan repeatedly complained about before she gave up and asked for a divorce:
If the above is ringing bells in your head, and you feel ready to make a sincere effort to fix your selfish attitude and your obliviousness to “timing,” I can offer you a good place to start.
How to Fix Your Timing
Step 1 —Acknowledge: Stop making excuses and just admit that you have a problem with “timing.”
Step 2 —Expand: Start paying attention to your partner and the rest of your family and show respect for what is going on their lives.
Step 3 —Equality: Stop telling yourself that your events and appointments are more important than your partner’s.
Step 4 —Pause: Before you decide to speak up, take a short break and think about all of the above. Do your best to calm down and be logical. Do not speak while you feel agitated, hurt, defensive, or angry. You are unlikely to say anything useful.
Step 5 —360 View: Broaden your vision. Stop look at the situation as an isolated incident that needs to be dealt with immediately. Instead, first think about the impact of your words and behavior on the relationship as a whole.
Step 6 —Goals: Remind yourself that if your main goal is to maintain a loving and lasting relationship with your mate, ignoring or insulting your partner, or insisting on always getting your way, is likely to eventually destroy your relationship.
Step 7 —Is It Worth It? During your pause (Step 4 — Step 6), ask yourself if starting a fight now and winning on this issue is worth jeopardizing your relationship.
Hint: The answer to Step 7 is unlikely to be “yes.”
Can non-narcissists use this method to improve their timing?
Yes. Anyone who repeatedly puts their foot in their mouth because they say the wrong thing, to the wrong person, at the wrong time, could benefit from using the above method.
If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you are likely to be sabotaging your own goals because it has not occurred to you that you need to pay attention to how you time what you want to say. And sometimes the best answer to “When is a good time to bring this up?” is NEVER.
Adapted from my Quora post on this topic.
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Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., is a Gestalt therapy trainer who specializes in teaching the diagnosis and treatment of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid adaptations.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.