Reflective Listening to Enhance Relationships
Personal Pespective: A source for mutual learning.
Posted July 2, 2025 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina
“Perhaps the sharpest, most recurrent shock of being alive is the realization that no one can give you a ready-made answer — not your parents or your teachers, not scripture or Stoicism, not psychotherapy or psilocybin, not the old dharma teacher or the new pope. Only life itself." Maria Popovo “ Imagination : — having many voices in one’s head. The freedom for that" Susan Sontag Change is constantly evolving, driven by a universal yearning for differences that make a meaningful impact. It is an integral part of our human evolution to improve, maintain, and, most importantly, to be heard in our interpersonal relationships. This is the essence of what reflective listening is all about. It is defined as " hearing and understanding, and then letting the other know that he or she is being heard and understood." It becomes apparent as a genuine need when there is a recognition that something is no longer working, an anomaly in our communication process. It is as Neil Postman would ask, "What kinds of changes are going on right now? What is being heard, which is important?" In other words, what is the change that is needed to express and be heard that facilitates what can enhance our lives?
In a recent article, I mentioned that an initial step towards sustaining empathy was to acknowledge the other. However, to sustain that acknowledgement, a follow-up effort, "a second order change", was needed that consisted of providing several instances of short paraphrasing questions to create a deeper connection to one's feelings and expression. This primes the pump of knowing someone is genuinely interested in listening. It sets the stage for a "third-order change," which involves demonstrating how to be a reflective listener to effectively understand what is being heard. It's at that moment that my mentor, the late anthropologist Paul Byers, referred to it as the dance of synchronicity, or "good vibrations." This is when humans fall into a symbiotic biological state of sharing and exploring whatever is ready to emerge. It's a win-win communication volley of expressing, checking, and affirming each other. The vehicle for this "readying" stage is as Nora Bateson describes the act of mutual learning with another. This can be practiced by using random examples of storytelling and/or poetry, where, like darts being thrown at the same time, some hit the bullseye, while others, like satellites, come close to what is desired to be expressed. Gianni Rodari mentions in his book The Grammar of Fantasy ," One electrical pole is not enough to cause a spark; it takes two. The single word 'acts' only when it encounters a second that provokes it out of its usual tracks to discover new possibilities of meaning. Where there is no struggle, there is no life."
I take this to mean that it is essential to allow ourselves the opportunity to mutually explore what lies at the interface of our human narratives that we share. This is empathy at its best when supported by reflective listening. When this occurs, it allows us to pause and engage in a side-by-side dialogue. Every story then changes another's story as we share our interdependency. It is what completes the process of sustaining mutual empathy. Here is where the adage, it takes two to know one, or many to know many comes to fruition. Ursula K. Le Quinn underscores this as she describes, "The daily routine of most adults is so heavy and artificial that we are closed off too much of the world...when we hear music or poetry or stories, the world opens up again. We’re drawn in — or out — and the windows of our perception are cleansed." Living is describing how our senses influence our thoughts to create imagination. Every context we find ourselves in comes to life when it is allowed to interface with an infinite number of different situations. All waiting to blend randomly, when triggered by something previously hidden yet waiting to be revealed.
This is where new interactive possibilities emerge—being listened to and acknowledged results in improvisational discoveries that resolve problems beyond where others settle for quick answers. All media of life's art can give birth to mutual learning, the origins of Imagination. It grows between the constraints of inductive and deductive thinking and is found in that liminal space of expression and listening. In summary, storytelling, poetry, and all forms of communication that foster win-win outcomes act as a powerful catalyst for reflective listening. They provide a framework for organizing experiences, fostering empathy, and enhancing self-awareness. It motivates us to look inward, consider different viewpoints, and ultimately grow and evolve through shared narratives. Here are some prompts to be had in a dialogue with another, taking turns sharing your reflective responses: What stories and/or poems are you ready to share that have been suppressed? How can you, as Rebecca Solnit believes, express yourself through "Stories that surround us like air; we breathe them in, we breathe them out" When feeling empathy, how can your stories evoke what is essential to you? When a story resonates emotionally, how can you make the content more relatable and enjoyable? What does this quote by Frederick Buell mean to you, about poems that “…come both by and with gentle or dramatic surprise—surprise that indicates they exceed the will even of their creator"? How can storytelling and poetry peripherally widen your perspective and nurture your potential to learn with others? Who are you at work? How do you want to bravely sing out? In what ways do you regret? How do you relate to others? I search for what? How is my role at home? How do I attain joy?
For more insights on the power of storytelling and poetry, plus further prompts for reflective listening, see my previous related articles: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202306/the-power-of-storytelling https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202304/the-value-of-poetic-expression
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Kenneth Silvestri, Ed.D. is a systemic psychotherapist and author of A Wider Lens: How to See Your Life Differently .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.