Recovering From Family Dysfunction for the Brave
Tips for recovering from holiday family dysfunction.
Posted February 9, 2026 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
The science of mental wellness has a lot to say about how you can accidentally compromise your mental health when you choose the wrong strategy to deal with people who love you but do it poorly.
You might be tempted to do what many do—cancel your relatives so you never have to dread another encounter. This might give some temporary relief, but research shows this is a risky strategy for your mental health and even long-term financial security. One study showed that those who cancel family members inevitably deteriorate in their mental health, become financially more insecure and never attain the benefit of peace of mind they imagined (Arranz & Hank, 2022). Other research shows the more you focus upon the hurts of the past by talking about them, writing about them, or repeating them in therapy or with friends, then the more you fossilize hurt feelings and decrease your ability to feel joy, happiness , and purpose in general (Echiverri et al., 2011).
The problem is not with talking about painful encounters with your relatives; it is with how you talk about them and to what purpose. If you make the mistake of blaming the other for the problem and ascribing your pain to their defective personality , you maximize disempowerment and victimization in yourself. This is called the attribution bias , where you explain the bad behavior and mistakes of others with their bad personality, instead of according to circumstances. For example, if a colleague forgets to loop you into an important group chat at work, do you think to yourself, “They must have been really overloaded with work,” or do you think, “They are so selfish and inconsiderate. They knew I needed to be part of this chat"?
Research shows those who live by the attribution bias suffer greatly, because they create a world full of presumed bad people who repeatedly victimize others (Abrahamson, Seligman & Teasdale, 1978). The reality for most of us is that family members do indeed say and do things that are hurtful. They violate our idea of support and familial love because they are just like us—fallible humans who are not always up to the job of loving skillfully.
Since attempting to change your relatives is futile, the only good choice is to change your reaction. Compassion, self-compassion, and forgiveness are the powerful tools of choice proven by science (Reed & Enright, 2006, Pace et al, 2010, Leary et al, 2007, Thompson & Waltz, 2008). Compassion is the art of granting every other human equal human status, even when they have hurt you. Compassion avoids committing the attribution bias because it acknowledges each person has a good reason for acting the way they do and is an expression of their life experiences and culture.
If you have compassion for your dysfunctional family, then you can graduate to forgiveness, the art of freeing yourself from the pain of the past by radically accepting the humanity of your abuser. You understand that had you been in their shoes, you might have done the same. Self-compassion furthers this process by allowing you to live in the dual reality of being kind to yourself about feeling hurt, wanting revenge , or wanting escape, while simultaneously desiring to not become the very thing you hate—an intolerant, thoughtless person who is unable to consider the perspective of others. Emotional freedom develops because you move from outrage and finger pointing to understanding, tolerance and peace of mind.
Helpful Questions to Ask After Encountering a Difficult Relative
Arránz Becker, O., & Hank, K. (2022). Adult children’s estrangement from parents in Germany . Journal of Marriage and Family, 84 (1), 347–360. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12796
Echiverri, A. M., Jauregui, A. S. R., Luciano, M., & MacLeod, C. (2011). “Dwelling in the past”: The role of rumination in emotional distress and its implications for psychotherapy. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 49 (3), 154–165. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3242379/
Abramson, L. Y., Seligman, M. E. P., & Teasdale, J. D. (1978). Learned helplessness in humans: Critique and reformulation. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 87 (1), 49–74. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.87.1.49
Thompson, B. L., & Waltz, J. (2008). Self-compassion and PTSD symptom severity. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 21 (6), 556–558. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.20374
Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Allen, A. B., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92 (5), 887–904. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.5.887
Pace, T. W. W., Negi, L. T., Sivilli, T. I., Issa, M. J., Cole, S. P., Adame, D. D., & Raison, C. L. (2010). Innate immune, neuroendocrine, and behavioral responses to compassion meditation in a randomized controlled trial. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 35 (3), 371–381. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2009.06.008
Reed, G. L., & Enright, R. D. (2006). The effects of forgiveness therapy on depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress for women after spousal emotional abuse. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74 (5), 920–929. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.74.5.920
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Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., helps kids, teens, and adults break free from anxiety, build inner confidence, and live with calm purpose and peace of mind.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.