Raising a Secure Child and Adverse Childhood Experiences

For parents and children with difficult childhoods, secure attachment is vital.

Posted July 10, 2025 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences . Read the other parts here.

Kent Hoffman and colleagues have written an excellent book for parents entitled Raising a Secure Child . They note that research shows that secure children not only survive difficult life circumstances but thrive, experiencing better school performance, more satisfying relationships, higher self-esteem , better mental and physical health, greater trust and ability to bond with their own children, greater empathy, longer attention spans, and less tendency to be easily frustrated. Thus, they state, “secure attachment is the most important foundation we can offer to our children…every bit as vital as nutrition , health care, and education ,” or even more so. This post highlights some of their key points for raising secure children.

The Child’s Basic Needs

Even the youngest babies “immediately fall in love with the parent’s face” as they sense love, goodness, and trustworthiness—knowing that the parent will be present to take care of their needs, love and comfort them, and enjoy them.

Young children need a safe haven, a parent who will hold and comfort them when distressed. (When held, a child’s cortisol levels plummet.) The parent’s love and acceptance of the distressed child imprints the sense that the child is worthwhile, no matter what. When parents show that they're calm and comfortable with distressing emotions until they subside, children begin to learn to respond similarly.

Children also need a secure base from which to explore and discover the wonders of their new world. They look back at the parent as they step away and see a twinkle in the parent’s eyes that says, “Isn’t it wonderful that you are exploring! I’m confident in your abilities. I’m here whenever you need to return and need to be held.”

Children are very good at sensing if their caretaker is caring, attentive, confident, and relaxed. Cues that they pick up on include melodic tone of voice; graceful body movements; a pleasant, accepting facial expression; loving gaze and warm eye contact; full presence (not distracted, for example, by checking one’s phone); and emotional calm (“Don’t worry; I’ve got you.”).

Effective parenting is not about having perfect skills. In fact, the parent will do well to drop the expectation of perfection and relax into enjoying the process of bonding with the child. The mindset is more like:

Obstacles to Watch Out for

Parents themselves have often experienced difficult childhoods and, understandably, fear passing on dysfunctional patterns. Perhaps you experienced neglect, abandonment, or mistreatment, and it’s difficult to provide the comfort you didn’t receive. So, experiment patiently and with self-compassion as you grow into parenting.

The authors describe three sensitivities that can interfere with effective parenting and ways to change them:

1. Separation Sensitivity

These people fear abandonment. So, they might discourage children from exploring (“Stay home with me; it’s not safe out there.”). They might be preoccupied with closeness and worry that they’re not close enough to their loved ones.

Try letting the child play happily by herself. Let her know you enjoy watching her play and explore. Let her develop her own interests, not necessarily yours. Try not to impose your own fears when the child doesn’t fear. If you worry when she’s exploring, remind yourself, “She’s fine.”

2. Esteem Sensitivity

These people learned that their value as a person, and their parent’s attention and approval, were tied to their achievements. They tend to teach their child that they have to be better than others, exceptional, to be worthy and liked. They then pressure the child to be exceptional for their own needs.

Try letting the child relax demands, be themselves, and discover their own future—trusting that people will like them as they are.

3. Safety Sensitivity

These people find connection scary, overwhelming, or smothering. They fear being controlled if they open up their heart. Perhaps their feelings were ridiculed in childhood. Distance and self-sufficiency protect them, so they don’t cuddle the child who comes to them in need. Instead of connecting emotionally, they might try to distract the child with a toy, toss the child in the air to make him laugh, dry the tears and wash his face, or shame him (“Big boys don’t cry; suck it up”).

Try just being present with the child’s emotions. Let the child know it’s alright to have feelings. Acknowledge that you, too, need safe connection—and sometimes space. If it’s difficult to open up emotionally to your child, you might try small doses of full presence and connection, say for a half minute, several times a day.

Schiraldi, G. R. (2021). The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook . Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Hoffman, K, Cooper, G., & Powell, B. (2017). Raising a Secure Child . New York: Guilford.

Other Resources for Parents

Raising a Secure Child deals mostly with raising young children. Some other parent resources that can be helpful for older children are:

Siegel, D., & Hartzell, M. (2014). Parenting From the Inside Out. New York: Tarcher/Perigee. How parents can understand their own experience and emotionally connect with their children.

Nelson, J. Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills. New York: Ballantine. Balancing kind and firm; treating children with dignity and respect.

Garcia-Prats, C. M., & Garcia-Prats, J. A. (2006). Good Families Don't Just Happen: What We Learned from Raising Our Ten Sons and How It Can Work for You . Houston, TX: Bosco. Principle-based skills, starting with respect between spouses.

Trauma-Resilient Parent Education Course is a self-paced online course designed to help parents and guardians better support and nurture their children, build trusting relationships, enhance self-care, and better understand trauma. Typical completion time is 1-2 hours. The course also lists extensive resources for parents. treceducation.com

Positive and Adverse Childhood Experiences Connection Resource Center is an online community that lists many resources, including books and handouts for parents. pacesconnection.libguides.com/resourcecenter

Total Transformation Online Package. Diverse resources to help parents manage defiant, oppositional behavior in children aged 5-25. empoweringparents.com

Instinctual Trauma Response (ITR): Gently fast-tracks the healing process, which is vital for children who’ve experienced attachment disruption or toxic childhood stress. Neutralizes and gives a sense of structure and completion to troubling trauma memories, using art (“The hand remembers what the mind forgot”) coupled with compassionate, structured storytelling; as well as externalized dialogue between one’s true self and the traumatized part(s) that contains stuck, dysfunctional thoughts and other reactions. Virtually or in person. Certified Recovery Coach training shows parents how to do ITR with their children’s trauma. helpfortrauma.com

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Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D., has served on the stress management faculties at The Pentagon, the International Critical Incident Stress Foundation, and the University of Maryland. His recent book is The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.