Provoking & Recording in Domestic Abuse: Gaslighting in Action
Domestic abusers may destabilize their victims and record the response.
Updated January 26, 2026 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Some domestic abusers provoke their target, inciting a strong response. They secretly record the victim's reaction. Then they use the recordings to claim the victim is the abuser and gain the upper hand in court. They may even get the court to grant a protective order against their victim, or highly problematic mutual protective orders .
Here's an example: Gary often humiliated Sandra and pushed her into unwanted sex . He would back her into a corner and verbally abuse her for hours. And sometimes Sandra responded in ways that she now regrets—shouting at Gary, throwing things, and slamming doors in frustration. She separated from him to protect herself and the children from Gary’s outbursts and coercive control . She was shocked when Gary filed for a protective order, claiming that she had abused him. He used recordings that he had secretly made as evidence against her. He showed edited video clips to neighbors, family, and friends. He tried to make people believe that Sandra was a crazy abuser and that he was an innocent victim. He was able to persuade a judge to limit Sandra's access to the children to supervised visits, even though she had been the primary parent. She missed months of her children's lives while this sorted itself out in court.
Gary had "flipped the story." Jennifer Freyd (2025) called this DARVO, which stands for D eny, A ttack, R everse V ictim and O ffender. This is a particularly vicious form of gaslighting .
Here's another example: Randall beat Maria frequently, even while she was pregnant . She stayed because she was too afraid to leave and wanted her son to grow up with his father. The day after a brutal beating, Randall came up behind Maria while she was cutting vegetables and taunted her. She turned around with the knife in her hand, cursed at Randall, and told him that he'd better back off and leave her alone. Her eyes were full of fury. A week later, she sought police protection. A forensic nurse exam found evidence of strangulation and other bruises. A detective interviewed Randall, who showed him the video of Maria with the knife in her hand. The district attorney filed misdemeanor domestic violence charges against both Maria and Randall. In this instance, clearly Randall was the predominant abuser. But the recording of Maria's strong reaction was used against her.
Help Survivors Protect Themselves From Being Tricked
Increasingly, domestic abusers rely on recordings to claim that their abuse victims are actually the predominant aggressors or unfit parents. This is a form of gaslighting. Gaslighting refers to denying reality and making the other person feel crazy or seem crazy to others (Sweet, 2019). This strategy allows the abuser to control the narrative in the legal system. Often domestic abuse victims end up having to defend their reputations in court. The court proceedings focus on what the victim has allegedly done wrong rather than on what the perpetrator has actually done wrong. Victims may even begin to question whether they were responsible for the abuser because they didn't always respond as the " perfect victim ."
If you have a client who is a domestic abuse victim, here are ways they can protect themselves from this trickery:
Unfortunately, many psychotherapists, police officers, judges and others don't understand the dynamics of domestic abuse. This is especially true when the abuse is based on coercive and controlling behavior without physical violence (Fontes, 2015). No matter what domestic abuse victim/survivors do—the abuse will likely escalate , and victim/survivors and their children will suffer. This is true whether they comply, respond with rage , or suffer in silence. Abusers will weaponize anything and everything a victim/survivor does against them. The pressure cooker that is domestic abuse causes some survivors to act in ways which are "not like" them. Any of us could be pushed to a limit where we do or say things that are unlike us. Responding harshly to provocations does not make a person an abuser.
The individual suggestions here are not enough. The legal, law enforcement, and mental health systems need to be changed so survivors are believed. A ten-second recording of a survivor behaving defensively or "badly" should not be enough to alter her life course and the lives of her children.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
Fontes, L. A. (2015). Invisible chains: Overcoming coercive control in your intimate relationship . New York: Guilford Press.
Freyd, J. j. (1997). Violations of power, adaptive blindness and betrayal trauma theory. Feminism & Psychology, 7 , 22-32.
Sweet, P. L. (2019). The Sociology of Gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84 , 851–875.
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Lisa Aronson Fontes , Ph.D. , is a senior lecturer at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, and the author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.
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