Preventing "Flooding" and Its Relational Impacts
Strategies to help you step back from the conflict.
Updated June 27, 2025 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
It is well understood that conflict within any relationship is inevitable; however, how the conflict unfolds is paramount to maintaining healthy and stable relationships. Seminal relationship research demonstrates that partners' ability to engage in physiological soothing predicts relationship satisfaction whereas physiological arousal, or flooding, can deteriorate relationships over time.
When a person feels flooded, their body’s internal alarm system has signaled a threat. This alarm is trying to help keep them safe from the perceived threat.
For example, if you are walking through a haunted house in which some of your senses are compromised, your body's internal alarms might go off to signify a potential threat. This makes sense — it’s dark and you can’t see the path in front of you and your full surroundings, it’s loud so you can’t hear if someone is coming up behind you, etc. Your internal systems sensitive to your sympathetic nervous system get activated and, consequently, you will likely have your heart rate, pulse, and breathing quicken, more sweat activity, and even slowed digestion. This “fight” or “flight” response has an evolutionary connection with negative emotions, such as fear and anger , by virtue of preparing you for just that — to fight or flee. All of these adaptations are again in an attempt to keep you safe, and they make sense within the context of this example.
However, this full-body response can happen whether or not a true threat exists. Have you ever had this type of response occur during a familiar relational conflict with a partner?
A few signs of flooding during relational conflict include:
The problem in this scenario is when your body perceives a threat and the alarms go off causing flooding, its intended function is not functional and can get in the way of your relationship.
Impact of Flooding on Your Relationship
When couples experience flooding during relational conflict, it can significantly impact levels of relationship satisfaction. Distressed couples who are unable to recognize and intervene in their internal emotional states when they get flooded get “locked into” conflict. Because they get swept up without being able to “step back” or intentionally walk away, they fall into patterns of relational conflict reflective of their flooded internal emotional states.
What to Do if You’re Flooded?
You can employ several productive strategies, personally and relationally, to prevent the floodgates from sweeping you away in escalating relational conflict.
- Narrate your internal monologue
If you can notice early signs of flooding, vocalize feelings of internal arousal to your partner by stating, “ I’m feeling distress and agitation in my body ” or “ I’m feeling myself starting to want to withdraw. ” This can allow you and your partner to slow down and shift the conversation toward the process of how the conversation is going and what changes might need to be made so that each of you can stay connected. If that doesn’t work you might need to take an intentional break from the conversation.
- Take an intentional time-out
In a previous blog post, I outlined the 5 steps to taking an intentional time out to prevent escalating conflict. These include 1) self-monitoring to know when flooding is setting in and steering your conversation off-course, 2) using I-statements to request a break, 3) offering a time to return to the conversation, 4) using the time apart to down-regulate emotions, and 5) returning to the conversation. I encourage you to read the steps in their entirety here if you think this would be a helpful strategy for your relationship.
- Distress tolerance skills
Partners can utilize distress tolerance skills during heightened emotional arousal as a means of down-regulating. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a modality of therapy that focuses on teaching distress tolerance exercises to build emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. Such exercises include:
I often encourage couples I work with to simultaneously engage in individual therapy to build up skills in this area as a means of supporting relational therapy goals . As one example, a predictor of stonewalling or withdrawal in heterosexual relationships is when the male partner has a heart rate over 100 beats per minute (i.e., becomes flooded). If partners can learn to implement strategies like the ones listed above to down-regulate their internal state it can better facilitate communication and reduce negative conflict cycles.
Please note: the discussion here is not indicative of relationships in which there is interpersonal violence (i.e., domestic violence ) and a threat to one's safety exists. If this is the case, please seek additional help.
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Rachel Diamond, Ph.D., LMFT, PMH-C, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified in perinatal mental health through Postpartum Support International. She maintains a private practice, Rachel Diamond, PLLC, in Chicago.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.