Positivity Can Change Your Relationship
A different approach to relieving marital stress and discontent.
Posted June 1, 2026 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
One of the biggest traps for couples is the belief that they have to deal with what is wrong with their relationship before they access what is right.
When a couple’s relationship has been sapped of vitality by resentments, hidden disappointments, lack of affection, and feelings of rejection, they know the script of pain and put-downs.
What they can’t access is enough positive momentum to remember why and how to feel loving and loved again.
Positivity, which was coined by Barbara Fredrickson , is a broad term that includes the feelings and meanings generated when love, joy, gratitude , fascination, openness , kindness, laughter , flexibility, appreciation, and teamwork are shared and experienced.
Resetting a relationship with positivity does not mean denial of life’s problems or minimizing past events, it means setting in motion a dynamic that has been found to "broaden and build" the capacity to succeed and flourish.
Positivity broadens an individual’s “momentary thought-action repertoire.” Whether fueled through play, enjoyable activities, or expressions of appreciation or delight, positive emotions promote discovery of novel and creative actions, ideas and social bonds, which can build and broaden each partner's personal resources.
In his research work with couples, Dr. Robert Gottman found that those marriages that succeeded compared to those which dissolved had the “Magic 5 to 1 ratio" of positivity to negativity.
Clinically, what I have found working with couples who struggle is that negative behavior is often a by-product of a lack of positivity.
He never tells me he loves me.
She would rather go out with her friends than be with me.
I don’t want to be sexual when I don’t feel appreciated.
Does positivity prevent the unexpected challenges and heartaches in life? No, but it enhances the couple’s resilience because positivity has been proven to enhance flexibility, problem-solving, optimism –the capacity to flourish.
Does positivity prevent the typical partner oversights, differences or historical references that can fuel negativity? No—but enough positivity can offset negativity. Dr. Robert Gottman who has been researching couples for many years finds the “Magic Ratio” to be five positives to offset one negative.
Options for Using Positivity
An effective way for couples to reset with positivity is to “practice the positives.”
Combine Affirmation With Action
We might consider a positive couple spin to the civilian transit alert: “If you see something—say something… positive."
Don’t Leave the Words of Love Behind
Do you remember the first time you said “I love you” to each other?
Capitalize on the Positive Times
“The Butterfly Effect”
An important phenomenon identified by those who studied the impact of positivity from mathematical and system perspectives is the Butterfly Effect. It is the finding that small even seemingly trivial inputs like the flapping of butterfly wings in one location can impact what happens somewhere else.
The message for partners is to believe that when it comes to relationships, small efforts are big. It does not take enormous changes to reset your relationship with positivity—it takes living each day together with positive intention.
“Happily Ever After Doesn’t Just Happen in Fairy Tales. It’s a Choice.”
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Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP, a psychologist and host of “Psych Up Live” on International Talk Radio, formerly taught at Long Island University Post and is the author of three books including Healing Together for Couples.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.