Parent Guilt: Letting Go and Learning Lessons
Unfortunately, raising kids brings its share of mistakes and regrets.
Posted May 27, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
There’s an old saying that a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child. Raising kids brings us face-to-face with the past; your child’s present state reflects all that’s come before, and it’s easy to see mistakes, dwell on regrets, and replay that list of should-have-dones. If you’re haunted by parental guilt , berating yourself for things you wish you had never done or could only do over, here are some new ways to look back and be kinder to yourself:
Realize we are constantly recreating our pasts
The past is never fixed; it constantly shifts and is always filtered through the lens of the present. If your child is doing wonderfully, your pats on the back probably outweigh the mistakes. But just as the divorcing couple only looks back and sees red flags that were ignored or problems that were swept under the rug, if your child is struggling, you look back and only see roads not taken and bad decisions. It’s all about cognitive dissonance : our past has to match our present.
Believe you did the best you could at the time
Again, new lenses. Your current lens brings new information about your child, yourself, and the problem you didn’t have back then. If you acted on the information you had and your intentions were good and aligned with your values, you did the best you could. Time to cut yourself some slack and extend yourself some forgiveness .
On the other hand, maybe there is a lesson to be learned
But if you look back and realize that your decisions and actions were skewed—perhaps by fear of speaking up and upsetting your child or partner, or by selfishness, such as your desire for your child to fulfill your dreams rather than theirs—rather than berating yourself, look for the lesson embedded in your regrets.
If you were to do it all over, what would you do differently—listen to your gut or instincts and be more assertive ? Be less impulsive? Get more information? Ask for help? What? Is this part of a larger pattern of decision-making that runs through your life and that you may need to change?
Don't be afraid to talk to your child
Yes, pick the right time and place, but be willing to share your regrets at some point. The purpose is not to seek or expect forgiveness from your child, but to model vulnerability and give your child a glimpse into the adult world of parenting .
As your child grows, grow with them
As your child moves into their teenage years and beyond, they develop a clearer sense of what they need from you as a parent—advice and guidance, or no advice at all, just your presence and emotional support. As they mature, you need to grow with them, shifting from an in-charge role to that of a consultant. You can still trust your parental instincts, but also feel free to simply ask them what they need in any troubling situation or problem.
Mistakes and regrets are only mistakes and regrets in hindsight
Mistakes and regrets are always tied to the present and always in the eyes of the beholder; the guilty burden you carry may never cross your child’s mind, while something you see as insignificant may be seen by them as a major event in their life. Our reality is shaped by the stories we create about ourselves and our lives. But unlike most stories, we, as their creators, get to change them, choosing their meaning and their endings.
Is it time to change your story?
Taibbi, R. (2020). Doing family therapy, 4th ed. New York, Guilford.
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Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., has 50 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 13 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.