Nothing Like the First Time
What we know about hormones and love
Posted February 14, 2016
This being Valentine's Day, everyone—whether you’re single or you’re coupled, whether you think the holiday too silly or too commercial, whether you’re one of those romantics who consider it a fine excuse to break open champagne or think it’s a waste of money—can all agree on one thing. You can’t not think about relationships this weekend.
So given the build-up to Sunday, I did a little research and came across an article by Sue Carter, then at the University of Maryland and now the director of the Kinsey Institute at University of Indiana, aptly titled, Monogamy and the Prairie Vole. I couldn’t resist.
Seems that prairie voles—chubby little brown rodents that scurry among weeds in the Midwest—have sex and then stay together for life. They make babies; they groom each other; they share childcare fifty/fifty. But here’s the thing. Their cousins—meadow voles and montane (or mountain) voles—go from relationship to relationship, never settling down to a nuclear family.
What’s the difference? According to Carter’s research , it’s one hormone . When prairie voles—but not other kinds of voles—have sex, oxytocin spikes. This clue suggested to researchers that this single hormone, spewed from a gland deep within the brain, is the difference between Til-Death-Do-Us-Part and I’m Outta-Here.
Here’s what we know: During labor, oxytocin prompts the womb to contract, pushing the baby out. Afterwards, it promotes milk production.
Here’s what we think: Oxytocin may promote mother-child bonding . It may promote feelings of trust. It may prolong eye contact. It may boost fertility. (One small study —13 women, 9 men—found it increases during orgasm , which could mean that oxytocin triggers muscle contractions that nudge dawdling sperm closer to the egg.)
Here’s what’s on the market: A whole slew of oxytocin nasal sprays trumpeted to do all sorts of things. Oxyluv , for one, claims it’s “scientifically proven by the medical field to reduce social fears, anxiety , stress and create feelings of trust between others.”
And here’s the catch with oxytocin. As I got to the end of the Carter paper, she added one crucial detail about the supposedly monogamous voles. They are, as she put it, socially monogamous but not sexually monogamous. That is, they defend their nest from intruders, care for their young, and form relationships with extended family. But DNA tests of the female offspring show a variety of fathers. So they stay together—and apparently happily together—but they’re cheating all the same. Of course that complicates the picture—does it mean you just get the oxytocin rise when you lose your virginity and stay with that guy forever? And why are you grooming one vole and sleeping with another? And what does this mean for us?
For we humans, there’s a chance—given that small orgasm study—that this hormone could be a fertility booster, maybe even some kind of sex drug. There’s also a chance (given the trusting/eye contact trials) that—with more proof—it could be used to foster social skills among children with autism . But, it may be a long time, if ever, that a little puff of oxytocin can ensure just the right Valentine’s Day chemistry.
Really, the beauty of endocrinology is not about coming up with a quick way to manipulate ourselves, but to appreciate the science for what it really is—a way to shed at least a glimmer of light on what makes us, us.
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Randi Hutter Epstein, M.D. , is the author of Get Me Out: A History of Childbirth from the Garden of Eden to the Sperm Bank.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.