Navigating Betrayal in Intimate Relationships
How to react and repair when betrayal enters the relationship.
Posted May 23, 2026 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Once we say “I will," the last thing we imagine will happen does eventually happen, and it happens on four different levels. In a committed relationship, we will betray ourselves and our partners, and our partners will betray themselves and betray us. Because we’re convinced that our thriving relationships are immune to betrayal, betrayal becomes highly disruptive. Actually, the exact opposite is true. Maintaining a pristine record of faithfulness and loyalty is not an option. In fact, it would be a quixotic undertaking.
What can be said about betraying ourselves also applies to our partners betraying themselves. Hence, we are addressing two levels of betrayal. Self-betrayal occurs when we are unfaithful in honoring our heart’s desire or our personal values. Such betrayal occurs when we are excessively accommodating of our partner’s desires and wishes, or they are too eager to support our needs. That is, one of us is too eager to please the other at the cost of forgetting about ourselves. It’s all too easy to overlook our partners’ self-betrayals because there is less conflict and more harmony and cooperation when only one person is emotionally engaged in the relationship. However, it’s very easy for the person betraying themselves to become resentful and passive-aggressive , and to blame their partner for controlling the relationship.
Patterns of self-betrayal can be trauma -informed. Our choices are then driven by early behaviors that support safety. This includes being adaptive, hyper-vigilant, and compliant, and compulsively trying to do the right thing, which mostly means not upsetting your partner. Keep in mind, self-betrayal often leads to resenting our partners, as if they have taken us hostage.
Repairing Self-Betrayal
We can’t make our partners loyal to themselves. All we can do is request to hear more about what they want and value. They must repair their own self-betrayal. Here are some choices we can make in order to strengthen our self-loyalty.
When You Are the Betrayer
When you’re the one who perpetrated the betrayal, and you want to bring healing to your relationship, then there are some steps to follow. Be clear that the time and energy required to create a repair will depend greatly on how much deceit accompanied the betrayal. We needn't enact a 10-year sexual affair to betray our partners. Betrayal may involve violating an agreement, taking action that is contrary to our partner’s values, breaching confidentiality, or reneging on a promise.
When You Are the Betrayed
It can be easier to bring healing to a relationship suffering from betrayal when it has not been defined as immune to it. Betrayal isn’t simply unfortunate. It can be an opportunity to uncover patterns of self-betrayal and estrangement.
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Paul Dunion, Ed.D., has been in private practice as a psychotherapist and consultant for the past 45 years and has published eight books.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.