Mistakes People Make After Infidelity Is Revealed
Infidelity can be heartbreaking, but a poor response makes the situation worse.
Posted September 23, 2025 | Reviewed by Tyler Woods
However you define it, everyone knows that infidelity is extremely common. And everyone knows that it is often highly disruptive, shocking, destabilizing, and hurtful.
There’s no one right way to navigate infidelity, whether your own or your partner’s. But there are some wrong ways. After 44 years as a marriage counselor, I’ve seen thousands of people make the same set of mistakes after infidelity has been revealed.
Whether someone is caught or they confess, whether it’s a brief fling, a sex worker, or a love affair, both the Betrayed and the Betrayer are vulnerable to these common mistakes:
Immediately decide to divorce
Many people end their relationship after infidelity is revealed. For some of them, it’s a good decision. However, making such a consequential decision in the heat of intense emotion can’t be smart.
If a friend of yours said, “I just found out my wife cheated on me. I’ve therefore decided to quit my job/buy a dog/sell my house/have plastic surgery,” you’d probably say (or at least think), “Whoa, that’s a big decision to make so suddenly. Maybe you want to think about it.”
And that’s exactly what a person needs to hear if they decide, “You cheated on me? It’s over, no questions asked.”
Decide “it was all a lie”
Of course, when someone’s been cheated on, they don’t know exactly what to believe. They often start reevaluating past experiences, especially ones that seemed odd at the time.
But imagining that everything was a lie just because your mate lied about an affair is generally a mistake. It can be comforting to turn a complex human situation into a simple black-and-white morality tale, but that generally isn’t accurate.
Most people who have affairs say that they love their mate. And most of those people are telling the truth. Furthermore, most people who have affairs can, at the same time, enjoy other things in a straightforward way: family outings, playing tennis with their spouse, running a home together, the ritual of walking their dogs together.
When the Betrayed says “it was all a lie,” they’re actually creating more pain, more loss, and more disruption than is necessary.
Tell inappropriate others
Everyone in crisis needs to talk about it. In the case of infidelity, your partner is of limited value, so you need someone else. A therapist or clergy member is often a good choice. Some people get comfort talking with a best friend or sibling .
But dragging in the kids (“they deserve to know what kind of a man their father is”), the in-laws (“you should know what your daughter did to our family”), or your mate’s boss (“is this the kind of unethical person you want representing your company?”) is unfair to them, and can make reconciliation almost impossible.
Do not tell the kids “what kind of person your father/mother is,” especially if you want them to have any kind of relationship with the Betrayer. Don’t tell the kids how their father/mother has broken your heart. It may feel good to you, but it will make the kids’ lives much more complicated, typically with lifelong consequences. That isn’t loving, no matter how much pain you’re in or how much the kids ask why you seem so sad.
Couples in crisis, whether about infidelity or something else, need to draw a circle around themselves and create a zone of privacy in which they can work out their issues. They need to learn to say, “We’re having marital difficulties, but we’re facing them. We’ll soon know what’s best for us, and I appreciate your concern.” What kind of difficulties? “We’ve agreed to keep it private right now, but I appreciate your concern.”
Decide it’s "sex addiction" or "porn addiction"
Repetitive lying is not “ addiction .” Regretting one’s choices over and over is not “addiction.” Not understanding why you keep hurting your beloved is not “addiction.”
And feeling out of control is not the same as being out of control.
Most Betrayeds prefer “he cheated on me because he has a mental disorder” to “he cheated on me because he’s a selfish jerk” or because “I’m not attractive enough to keep him faithful.”
But deciding that infidelity is a product of a nonexistent disorder prevents someone from taking responsibility for their actions (since it was the “addiction” talking). And it consigns them to lifelong recovery (rather than a confrontation with, and cure for, whatever emotional, practical, or existential reasons made infidelity seem like a good choice).
The “ sex addiction ” industry is primarily uninterested in sexuality in all its complexity. It mostly sees sex as a source of danger, trivializing masturbation , disowning kink or poly, and lacking sympathy for genuine sexual passion. And it completely exonerates the Betrayed from any responsibility for creating a dysfunctional relationship, or for investigating the mess of infidelity.
Demand radical transparency
“Radical transparency” involves someone sharing the complete details about their affair, plus providing complete access to their devices. This is what the Betrayed supposedly needs so they can begin healing and, eventually, trusting.
But this is a one-sided approach to a couple’s crisis. Only the Betrayed gets to decide what “complete” means, rendering the Betrayer completely powerless. The Betrayed gets to decide how long this purgatory has to last, regardless of how much progress they are making. Besides, shocked into crisis, the Betrayed isn’t necessarily a good judge of what they need—and what will only be more hurtful.
Radical transparency can create more resentment and more obsessive imagery and discourage one or both partners from participating in a genuine healing process.
Trickle truth over time
Confronted with evidence, the Betrayer—terrified or ashamed, or both—will sometimes let the truth out little by little, over time. Maybe “I only just kissed her a few times,” or “OK, we had sex once,” or “It was only a few times at a massage parlor.”
But once truth-telling itself is tainted with evidence of bad faith or lying, the Betrayed will feel increasingly skeptical of whatever they’re told, and of any possible reconciliation. Instead of being perceived as someone who has lied, the Betrayer will quickly be perceived as a chronic liar. Who would trust such a person?
Everyone who lies does so for the same reason—fearing the consequences of telling the truth. The Betrayer needs to accept that they can’t control or predict the outcome of telling the truth—but doing so is the first step toward a possible life of authenticity , regardless of what happens in the relationship.
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Marty Klein, Ph.D., is a certified sex therapist and a licensed psychotherapist. He has written five books and 200 articles about sex. His TV appearances include 20/20 and Nightline .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.