Misery Does Not Need Your Company
We can embrace a sunnier outlook by understanding the origins of misery.
Posted April 6, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Just about everyone experiences misery from time to time, and for some it is a constant—or all-too-frequent—companion. I certainly sometimes feel like I am spiraling or overwhelmed by negative thoughts.
We have our reasons for feeling this way, of course. There is much to be sad, worried, or anxious about in our world, be it political chaos or personal disappointment. For parents, we might worry and experience unhappiness when our child struggles at school, doesn’t make a sports team, or isn't accepted to a preferred college.
The sources of misery are as diverse as the lives we lead. When in-laws try to dictate our family life, a friend ghosts us, or a boss increases our workload, it can affect our outlook or mindset for the worse. You may ruminate over the details, trying to parse out what you could have done or what someone else did to put you in your current state of mind.
“Some people are just not good at being happy,” writes two-time Pulitzer Prize finalist Percival Everett in his novel, Telephone . He delineates his main character’s feelings, adding “not that there’s anything wrong with being miserable.”
But, really, who wants to feel miserable even occasionally?
Why Do We Make Ourselves Miserable?
Lybi Ma, executive editor of Psychology Today , explains where misery comes from and what we can do to experience less of it in her book, “ How to Be Less Miserable: End the Negative Mind Loops and Find Joy .”
“In our heads we replay ‘negative mind loops,’” Ma writes. We rehash, trying to figure out what happened and what we could have or should have done to fix it.
That’s a tall order because, as Ma tells us, “the mind automatically prefers to indulge in unfavorable and catastrophic thinking .” Neuroscience research shows this to be the case, but it also provides clues on how we can break out of the misery rut.
Freeing Yourself From Misery
Ma provides insight into our unhappiness and offers suggestions for turning the tide. Here are a few prompts to deprogram insistent negative thinking and reduce misery.
Misery Does Not Need Your Company
Lately, I’ve been paying close attention to what I obsess about and the conversations I have with friends, family, and colleagues. Much of it tilts negative. We all find ourselves in upsetting circumstances, but dwelling on or complaining about them only increases unhappiness.
Ma reminds us that “no one can save us from the miseries inside our heads. We have to do it ourselves.” Knowing this may allow us to choose paths and approaches that can make us happier. This can be a starter kit for being less miserable, and you may have a better shot at fending off the negative mind loops that keep you stuck. You’ll be better able to move beyond your misery into far brighter territory.
Ma, Lybi. (2025). How to Be Less Miserable . Blackstone Publishing.
Everrett, Percival. (2020). Telephone: A Novel. Graywolf Press.
Cox AR. (2021). "It's all in your head": Managing catastrophizing before it becomes a catastrophe. Can Urol Assoc J. Oct;15(10):332. doi: 10.5489/cuaj.7592. PMID: 34665124; PMCID: PMC8525530.
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Susan Newman, Ph.D. , is a social psychologist and author. Her latest book is Just One: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.