Miscarriage: It's Not Just a Women's Issue
How to support partners after a miscarriage.
Posted December 31, 2019 | Reviewed by Devon Frye
In recent years, miscarriages have finally begun to be discussed more openly—from public figures such as Michelle Obama sharing her experience with pregnancy loss to numerous platforms dedicated specifically to discussing miscarriage.
While these strides are incredibly beneficial to promoting dialogue around this painfully common issue, there seems to be one very essential character that is often left out of the narrative: the partners. The woman who miscarried is often portrayed as the main character in the narrative, while her partner, if she has one, barely makes it as a supporting actor. Yet they too have experienced loss—not only the loss of their child, but also the loss of the dreams , hopes, and expectations they had for themselves and their families.
The Partner’s Experience of Miscarriage
After my miscarriages, I was fortunate enough to be frequently asked how I was feeling, how I was grieving, and what my next steps were. I deeply appreciated these questions and these heart-to-heart conversations immensely helped my healing. While my partner was often asked thoughtful questions by others, these questions often centered on how I, his partner, was doing rather than his experience with our loss.
It is correctly assumed that partners may have different reactions to miscarriage that may vary based on cultural background, gender norms, and past life experiences. However, research has repeatedly shown that while partners may show less explicit forms of grief (e.g., crying, appearing distressed, and/or asking for help), they have been found to report similar levels of distress and grief following a miscarriage as their partners who carried the pregnancy (Hutti, 2015). Additionally, likely because partners are not given as much emotional or physical support, they have been found to experience higher levels of prolonged grief—chronic grief that persists well after the initial loss.
How to Support Partners After Miscarriage
Consequently, it is essential that we begin recognizing and making space for the partners who have experienced miscarriage by asking questions about their experiences and starting conversations. Here are some tips to help you support the partners. (As a note, heteronormative language is being used because much of our research on supporting partners after pregnancy loss centers around heterosexual couples. There is a significant gap in the literature when it comes to supporting the needs and experiences of LGBTQ couples that is slowly being filled.)
It’s easy for anyone to feel alone after a miscarriage. There has been a veil of silence and secrecy around miscarriage for centuries—and while that veil is slowly being lifted, we need to continue making space for not only the women who have experienced miscarriage but for their partners who are also living with this loss. Miscarriage is not a women’s issue; it is a universally human issue that affects so many. By reading this article, you are helping in breaking the silence. Whether you have personally experienced miscarriage or know someone who has, let’s keep breaking silences and contributing to the dialogue around miscarriage.
Fredenburg, M. (2017). Reproductive Loss: Giving Permission to Grieve. Issues L. & Med., 32, 353.
Hutti, M. H., Armstrong, D. S., Myers, J. A., & Hall, L. A. (2015). Grief intensity, psychological well-being, and the intimate partner relationship in the subsequent pregnancy after a perinatal loss. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, and Neonatal Nursing, 44(1), 42–50. doi:10.1111/1552-6909.12539
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Dr. Sunita Osborn is a clinical psychologist in Houston and the author of The Miscarriage Map: What To Expect When You Are No Longer Expecting .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.