Marriage 911 — After the Affair, There Are Two People in Pain
The person who had the affair is in pain, too.
Posted May 14, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
This post is part two of a two-part series on "After the Affair."
“Can I ever forgive or trust my partner after an affair?”
As you read in part one of this blog series, there are two people who are devastated after an affair. It is common for the sympathies of friends, family, and even trained psychotherapists to "side" with the betrayed partner. However, the pain of the person who engaged in an emotional or sexual affair is often overlooked. I've worked with many couples in my Become Passion online program who are struggling to recover from trust betrayal—and I point out gently that there are two people in pain, and they both have needs during the affair recovery process.
Watch this video for more:
The Betrayed Partner’s Pain Is Real
If you are the betrayed partner, please hear this: You are not overreacting. The pain after an affair can be enormous. Many people experience symptoms that are in alignment with posttraumatic stress disorder ( PTSD ): flashbacks, intrusive images, obsessive thoughts, hypervigilance, panic , and a desperate need to check, question, and understand.
You may feel like your nervous system has been hijacked. And in many ways, it has. The person who was supposed to be your safe place has become the source of danger. That is a profound wound. So if you are struggling to “just get over it,” please stop asking that of yourself. Healing takes time. And it takes some deep, brave work between you and your partner (who is deeply hurting, too).
The Betrayer Is Not a Bad Person
Now I want to say something that may feel uncomfortable. And I say it with great care. The person who betrayed also needs help. Not because betrayal is excused. Not because the pain they caused does not matter. But because many people who have affairs are also devastated by what they have done.
They stepped outside their own integrity. They broke a promise. They hurt someone they love. And if they are willing to take responsibility, tell the truth, and do the deep work of repair, they need more than blame and shame from their partner and everyone else they know.
They need accountability. They need guidance. They need to become trustworthy through action. And in time, they need forgiveness .
We are all human beings. We all mess up. Of course, that does not make betrayal OK. Your partner has done a bad thing. This does not mean they are a bad person.
And this means healing requires more than punishment . It requires transformation.
“Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater” Is Not the Whole Truth
You have probably heard the phrase: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” It is popular. It is simple. And it is simply not true. People can change.
Not everyone does. But some do the work and choose to become more honest, more humble, more accountable, and more committed after they confront the damage they caused.
That does not mean you have to stay with a partner who has betrayed you. But I am here to tell you I’ve worked with dozens of couples in affair recovery, and they have found their way forward—with a great deal of effort—to a new, improved version of their relationship.
It does not mean you owe your partner forgiveness. But it does mean the story is more complex than a slogan.
Can Trust Be Earned Back?
Here is one of the most important teachings I offer couples after an affair: No one can “earn” your trust back. I know that may sound strange. We often say, “You need to earn my trust.” But trust is not a wage someone earns and deposits into your heart.
What your partner can do is choose to act in a trustworthy way.
Again. And again. And again.
They can tell the truth.
They can stop hiding.
They can answer questions with patience.
They can take responsibility without defensiveness.
They can become transparent.
They can change their behavior.
And over time, you may begin to feel safer. But that safety cannot be demanded. It must be rebuilt.
And in the end, it is up to the betrayed partner to choose to offer their trust again.
There Is Hope After an Affair — And It Takes Two
I have worked with so many couples devastated by betrayal, both in my private practice and in my 12-week online couples program.
And all too often, the betrayed partner cannot begin to accept that the betrayer is hurting, too. Think about that for a moment. Would you want your value as a person to be based on your worst mistakes? Now I am not condoning lies, betrayal, or infidelity . But I know humans make big mistakes. And I know many of us learn from those darkest moments and choose to grow, improve, be accountable, and, yes, learn from our mistakes.
If this resonates with you, you are not alone. Whether you are trying to recover from betrayal, prevent one, or rebuild trust after years of disconnection, your relationship deserves care.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some powerful free teachings—including a live couples workshop and my upcoming Passion Masterclasses. I hope to meet you there and answer your questions anonymously.
Let’s make rebuilding your relationship a priority. Transformation is indeed possible—I’ve witnessed it over and over.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.