Love Means Nothing to Forgive: Forgiveness and Forgivingness
Once we love someone, there are no offenses to forgive as we show forgivingness.
Posted May 25, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Martin Luther King Jr., in Strength to Love, wrote: “ Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” We can trust that there is a reliable, unconditional heartfulness in us called a “forgiving nature.” The word for that is “forgivingness.” In forgivingness, we drop the dualism of offender and forgiver. We are forgiveness. We relate forgivingly. Pardon cancels consequences; forgiveness clears the accounts. Forgivingness keeps no ledger of wrongs.
Forgiveness is a discrete act. Forgivingness is an ongoing attitude. This same distinction regarding acts or attitudes of forgiveness applies to love. For the virtue of loving-kindness toward others to be real, it can’t be based on whether we see lovability in the other. We love because we love, not because of how appealing someone is. We know our love for others is real when their moments of unlovability no longer matter or cancel our caring committed connection, what love is all about.
Forgivingness is a virtue—that is, a good habit. It is likewise a spiritual commitment. Forgivingness, like any virtue, originates in our attitudes and actions, a conversion of life. It becomes our kindly response to an offense. An offense no longer leads to our holding something against others, another form of retaliating. So, to love means no need to forgive at all because we don’t hold anything against others. This raises the standard regarding what it really means to love.
In a religious context, English mystic Juliana of Norwich in Showings wrote: “God never needs to forgive since…God is never offended.” We can apply that to our relationships. To offend is, according to the dictionary, to do wrong so as to cause discomfort or injury, to cause dislike or anger . Likewise, in the dictionary, anger means displeasure at injustice, being upset because we believe we were treated unfairly.
Instances of forgiveness are letting go of holding grudges, blaming/ shaming , resentment, and the will to retaliate. When we love someone, none of those four happen in us. An offense is met with dialogue and reconciliation. This is the sense in which there is no need for forgiveness.
It is a given of life that people, even those who love us, may occasionally offend us, hurt our feelings, betray us, not come through for us, be mean to us, take advantage of us, or cause us some kind of harm. (The fact that something is a given does not, of course, excuse it; it only makes it understandable.)
When we love others unconditionally, any of those hits on us leads first to grief , then we say "Ouch!" and attempt to open a dialogue. But we don’t hold it against them even if they refuse to reconcile. We let go with love, keeping open the door to reconciliation if offered.
When we don’t “love our enemies,” we might engage in blame, ill will, resentment, holding a grudge, demanding contrition or an apology, or retaliating. Thus, we do hold it against them .
When we love others fully, nothing they do could necessitate forgiveness because the offense does not lead to holding it against them.
Let’s look at a familiar phrase:
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
This does not seem accurate because it is a given of life that we sometimes may offend, so it is the loving thing to say we are sorry when we were unkind or offensive in some way. This leads to trust in both directions, from us to another and from the other to us.
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” This becomes accurate when we live with someone who loves us unconditionally, and we know we are always safely in the house of no record of wrongs. This is the house of love, trust, and forgivingness.
David Richo, adapted from: Sweeter Than Revenge (Shambhala, 2025)
Share this post Facebook Bluesky Linkedin Email
There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.
By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy
David Richo, Ph.D., is a retired psychotherapist, now an author and workshop leader.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.