Living Authentically and Unmasking Autism Can Come at a Cost
Personal Perspective: How grief accompanies autistic unmasking.
Posted December 17, 2025 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Claney (2025) describes autistic masking as “a complex phenomenon in which autistic individuals consciously or unconsciously hide or modify their behaviors and traits to fit within societal expectations.” Masking, Claney argues, takes a massive emotional toll on autistic adults and can be devastating to mental health. A substantial body of research supports these findings, with the entire neuroaffirmative movement as evidence of the psychological and physical costs of long‑term masking.
In The Unmasking Workbook for Autistic Adults , I wrote about the transformative power of unmasking, and I created a roadmap to help autistic adults unmask and live authentically. I cited research such as the Beyond Zebrafish study (South and colleagues, 2021), which found that autistic adults who unmask and live authentically are less likely to experience chronic suicidal ideation or die by suicide. According to this research, autistic adults have three times the suicide rate of the neurotypical population, and autistic women have four times the rate. Those with co‑occurring mental health conditions face a 92 percent higher suicide rate than autistic adults without such conditions, and more than half of autistic adults have at least one co‑occurring diagnosis. These statistics tell of a harsh reality that surviving as an autistic adult in a neurotypical society is a Herculean task.
In my workbook, I also quoted autism advocates such as Devon Price, who captures the lived experience of masking by writing, “Most of us are haunted by the sense there's something ‘wrong’ or ‘missing’ in our lives—that we're sacrificing far more of ourselves than other people to get by and receiving far less in return” (Price, 2021). My goal was to offer autistic adults tools to rediscover their authentic selves, weaving research with my personal journey to create a narrative of hope, authenticity , and self‑love.
Now, five years after my diagnosis and nearly two years after completing the workbook, I realize there is an essential piece I did not address: the cost of unmasking. The research remains unchanged. Unmasking improves mental health outcomes and increases the likelihood of survival. Autistic people who unmask are more likely to find happiness , but that happiness often comes with a price. We lose people and structures we once masked to maintain. What I did not fully explore in the workbook is the grief that accompanies these losses.
I was a very high masking autistic woman before my diagnosis. I worked very hard to hide as much of who I really was as I could in public. When I first began unmasking, I felt a wild rush of joy as I dismantled the illusion of who I thought I was supposed to be. I let go of the performance of being a “normal” mother and wife. I got tattoos. I embraced my hyperfixations. I allowed myself to be hyperverbal, to stim , and to pursue passions I had long suppressed. I have always loved Magic: The Gathering , but as a middle‑aged mother of three, I tried to temper that enthusiasm. Unmasking freed me to play three or four nights a week and to collect cards with the enthusiasm of a dragon guarding treasure. I spoke my mind. I gave myself grace for my disabilities.
But the cost was high. I own a private practice and serve as the executive director of a nonprofit. Other organizations criticized me for being “too much” in my support groups. One attempted to cancel me. Friends ghosted me. Even those who have stayed with me often call me “too much” and label my hyperfixations as selfish. I have lost friendships, community support, and romantic relationships . And still, I am luckier than many autistic adults who lose jobs, housing, or family connections when they unmask.
I am not alone. Increasingly, autistic adults in my groups and clinical practice grapple with the cost of unmasking and whether the benefits outweigh the losses. Divorce is common among autistic adults who choose authenticity. Many become estranged from family members as they grow into identities that no longer resemble the masked versions their families once knew. This has been true for me. The tattoo‑covered, gaming‑obsessed woman I am now is unrecognizable compared to the Catholic mother of three I once wore the mask of.
This change is good. I am happy now; I was not before. I was miserable. I look forward to gaming nights. I love my work. The relationships I have maintained are healthier and more authentic. I believe I am closer to my children because I am no longer a paper cutout of who I thought I should be. But grief remains a daily companion. I have lost three siblings; I grieve regularly. I have lost friends I miss deeply. I lost a marriage that lasted 20 years. I am less respected by many people in my field as I don’t behave like an older mental health practitioner is expected to behave. I am odd. I may lose more people as I continue to grow. Accepting that possibility is part of unmasking.
The Unmasking Workbook for Autistic Adults was a beginning. It is a guide for navigating life as a neurodivergent person in a world not built for us. But unmasking is not a single moment of revelation. It is an ongoing process that includes sorrow and hardship. The path toward authenticity and self-acceptance is not easy, but it can be a path of profound peace and contentment, and for many of us, it is the first path that has ever led toward a life that feels like our own.
Claney, A. (2025). Masking vs. Authenticity : The Cost of Social Camouflage for Autistic Adults
Discover the hidden costs of autistic masking and how it impacts identity. Relational Psych.
Price, D. (2021). Unmasking autism : Discovering the new faces of neurodiversity. Harmony Books.
Khachadourian V, Mahjani B, Sandin S, Kolevzon A, Buxbaum JD, Reichenberg A, Janecka M. Comorbidities in autism spectrum d isorder and their etiologies. Transl Psychiatry. 2023 Feb 25;13(1):71..
Schwartzman & Corbett (2022). Depression and Employment Outcomes in Autistic Adults : A Systematic Review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.
South M, Costa AP, McMorris C. Death by Suicide Among People With Autism: Beyond Zebrafish . JAMA Netw Open. 2021;4(1):e2034018.
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Jessica Penot, LPC, is the founder and director of Tree of Life Behavioral Health in Madison, Alabama and the author of 10 books including the bestselling novel, The Accidental Witch.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.