Let's Stop Telling Hurting People to ‘Just Be Grateful’

Why a bit of negative thinking can be helpful.

Updated January 19, 2026 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina

This post is part of a mini-series on seven principles for living gratefully: the principles of gifts , abundance , precarious goodness , prioritizing goodness , promoting goodness , nourishing reliance , and goodwillism .

Let’s be honest. We live in an imperfect world. Things fall apart. Evil, suffering, and injustice are everywhere. Bad things sometimes happen to good people. And sometimes, bad people win. There’s no sugar-coating it—sometimes, life sucks.

One of my former colleagues passed away in her early 50s after battling lung cancer. She was a brilliant scholar and a wonderful human being—it’s hard to make sense of the suffering inflicted on her and her family.

Wait. You might be thinking—aren’t you the gratitude guy?

Yeah, I am. But gratitude isn’t unbridled positive thinking . There’s a time and place for everything. As the author of the Book of Ecclesiastes reminds us: “A time to weep and a time to laugh.” We don’t have to be 100% positive all the time.

The principle of precarious goodness

Here’s a paradox: A small dose of negative thinking —acknowledging that bad things happen—can actually make us more grateful.

I call this the principle of precarious goodness—the third foundational principle for a grateful life.

This principle says: Goodness is fragile. Life isn’t an endless stream of goodness. Rather, evil, suffering, and injustice coexist with goodness. Recognizing this truth makes gratitude deeper, not weaker.

What are the implications of this principle for practicing gratitude?

Just be grateful? There’s a better way.

Gratitude is everywhere these days. It’s a buzzword of our times, sold as a cure for all kinds of problems.

That’s (mostly) good, but I worry when people who’re struggling are told to just look on the bright side and be grateful. Sometimes this advice shows up in the form of a hollow platitude— everything happens for a reason.

That’s not only unhelpful —it’s also downright insensitive.

Here’s a better way. Don’t immediately preach gratitude to someone in pain. Instead, show up for them. Be empathic . Validate their pain. Offer practical help.

That’s how you could create gratitude—not by prescribing it, but by being a reason someone experiences it.

Grateful for Everything vs. Grateful in Everything

Here’s another trap—you might feel the need to jump straight to gratitude whenever you’re feeling down. And the inability to feel grateful all the time could induce guilt . I hope that embracing the principle of precarious goodness relieves you of this pressure.

It’s ok to feel sad, angry, and frustrated. After all, we’re human.

There’s a difference between being grateful for everything and being grateful in everything. We don’t have to force ourselves to be grateful for our suffering and experience of injustice.

But over time, we can learn to be thankful in the midst of suffering. For example, we can be thankful for the friends who carry us through a crisis without being grateful for the crisis itself.

The unexpected power of negative thinking

Here’s the twist. If you’re a natural pessimist, that might give you an edge.

Because when wisely used, negative thinking can fuel gratitude.

I like this quote from G. K. Chesterton:

“Until we realize that things might not be, we cannot realize that things are. Until we see the background of darkness, we cannot admire the light as a single and created thing. As soon as we have seen that darkness, all light is lightening, sudden, blinding, and divine.”

If we assume life is always good, we take things for granted—like a fish oblivious to water. But when we realize how fragile goodness is, we cherish it.

In one study , people asked to write about death and dying in vivid, even morbid, details ended up feeling more grateful than those in other writing conditions.

So here’re three simple ways you can harness the power of negative thinking for gratitude:

Flip the worry. Do you constantly worry about what could go wrong? You could use this to your advantage. Consider something bad that could have happened but didn’t. Or something bad that did happen but could have been a lot worse. In academic speak, we call this downward counterfactual thinking —and yes, it promotes gratitude.
Remember the bad. Think back to the worst moments in your past—when everything went wrong, and you were in a dark place. Then consider how your life is better and different today. This strategy, recommended by Robert Emmons, sets up a contrast between negative and positive events in your life, making today’s goodness shine brighter.
Look around. Notice people in less fortunate circumstances. Research shows this process of downward social comparison can spark gratitude. No wonder people who volunteer to help others who are struggling often feel grateful.

An earlier version of this post appears in my Substack newsletter on the science and practice of gratitude .

Frias, A., Watkins, P. C., Webber, A. C., & Froh, J. J. (2011). Death and gratitude: Death reflection enhances gratitude. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 6 (2), 154–162. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2011.558848

Nicuță, E. G., & Constantin, T. (2021). Take nothing for granted: Downward social comparison and counterfactual thinking increase adolescents’ state gratitude for the little things in life. Journal of Happiness Studies, 22 (8), 3543–3570. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-021-00382-5

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.