Jealousy: A Lesser-Known Result of Abandonment Trauma
Jealousy is stigmatized, and thus less often recognized as a result of trauma.
Posted January 2, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Paul sat in front of me, his hands crossed. "I don't know why this bothers me so much," he said again. "I should be happy for my friend, right?"
We had been talking about his friend’s recent health issues—how an unexpected diagnosis had led to months of financial strain. And how, without hesitation, his friend’s family had rallied around him. They bought him a car. Paid his bills. Things that a family should do (when able to of course) to make sure he didn’t have to worry about survival while he focused on healing.
“I think you are happy for him,” I began. “And at the same time, I think this is bringing up something more for you that we can explore.”
After a long pause, Paul said quietly, “I guess… no one ever did that for me.”
Jealousy is one of the least discussed—and most misunderstood—effects of abandonment trauma
Jealousy often emerges from things that seem small or even petty on the surface. For Paul, his jealousy was due to the fact that his friend's family came together to help him in a rough patch. Paul's wife had worried that Paul was being selfish or unreasonable, which led him down a path of guilt and self-blame that just ended up reinforcing his negative feelings.
For someone who was not neglected or abandoned by their caregivers, this act of help for a friend might just seem like an ordinary acts of support or generosity , so it makes sense that his wife did not understand. Yet for someone who grew up without consistent care, like Paul and others who experienced abandonment, those moments remind them of what they did not receive.
What Paul was experiencing wasn’t resentment, although those on the outside might label it as such; it was grief . Watching someone else receive care, support, and protection had brushed up against the memory of all of the times when he had struggled alone. For Paul, watching his friend receive support in his time of need was bringing up times when his survival depended entirely on himself, because he didn't have anyone to lean on.
Unfortunately, because jealousy is so stigmatized—socially, culturally, and in many faith communities—I find that people are taught to deny it rather than try to acknowledge or even understand it. I often see clients who, instead of naming the feeling, may attempt to rationalize it, suppress it, or redirect it into shame or self-blame. As a result, this feeling gets buried and ends up coming out in relationships with others, like with Paul and his wife. They thought they were arguing over Paul's overreaction to a friend's support, but that jealousy was a sign of an abandonment trauma wound that was not yet understood.
In the context of abandonment trauma, research has found that jealousy is more common among individuals who experienced childhood attachment trauma 1,2 . This makes sense: If you grew up without reliable support from caregivers, of course it hurts to watch others receive what you needed and didn’t get. Your nervous system is responding to this feeling. And since so many survivors are—at least partially—in some stage of denial about the extent of their trauma, this jealousy can feel unwelcome as it is reminding them of something they do not want to think about.
Jealousy can tell survivors something about what was lacking
Because of how much jealousy is stigmatized, it is often seen as an act of immaturity. But jealousy is simply information that we can use to better understand ourselves. When working with clients, I welcome these feelings, as they help us know where and what to explore. Feelings of jealousy point to unmet needs, and often reveals the places where someone learned, perhaps at an early age, the ways that they were on their own.
For many survivors of abandonment, watching others receive support or experience success can be deeply painful, often because those moments reinforce an old, internal question: Why wasn’t I worth that? Each reminder of someone else being helped, celebrated, or chosen can reopen the wound of not being protected or taken care of. To an adult, it might seem easy to understand that this is a different context. But to the abandoned inner child, who is still begging to be chosen and seen, it can pull survivors back to that place of hurt and longing, which can show up on the surface as resentment. When someone else achieves something you are still striving for, such as family support, it can trigger an emotional response of jealousy.
Knowing that this feeling is normal can help survivors move through it
In our culture, jealousy carries heavy negative connotations. It’s framed as immature and selfish, and for some survivors, even sinful. But jealousy is a normal human emotion . And, for survivors of abandonment and neglect, this feeling is usually masking grief. For those healing from abandonment trauma, acknowledging jealousy can be an important step in healing, as it provides them with information about what wounds may still need attention to help them move through this grief.
Saka, S., Martinson, H., Ahn, L. H., & Randall, A. K. (2023). Childhood experiences and jealousy . In Encyclopedia of sexual psychology and behavior . Springer.
Leuțanu, G. (2023). Personality and jealousy as attachment trauma . Global Journal of Human-Social Science: D, History, Archaeology & Anthropology, 23 (4), 1–10. Global Journals. https://globaljournals.org
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Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of four books, including Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, and It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.