It's OK Not to Feel Grateful Right Now
If you can't access gratitude right now, that's ok. Feel what you feel.
Posted March 31, 2020
There is a lot of pressure to feel grateful for health and well-being during this COVID-19 crisis. After all, so many others are in terrible pain. And while gratitude can increase a person’s level of satisfaction, help them see beyond the crisis, and train the mind to look for positives, the pressure to feel grateful can turn gratitude from a source of relief into a source self-torment. As I often tell my clients, gratitude is great, but not when it is guilt -induced.
What does guilt-induced gratitude sound like?
I should feel grateful...
What happens when you try to force gratitude during a crisis?
A person who tries to guilt themselves into a grateful state by comparing their pain to others' may unintentionally delegitimize their feelings and worsen rather than improve their mental health. They may feel responsible for feeling grateful rather than anxious , stuck, hurt, or overwhelmed. The attempt to feel grateful becomes a way to dismiss or reject uncomfortable feelings without honoring or addressing them. Gratitude becomes the weapon of choice against the self.
Signs That You are Misusing Gratitude
None of this is to say that gratitude should not be cultivated as a practice — it can be life-changing when done well and particularly helpful during a crisis.
Here are some rules of thumb for using gratitude when the world and your life feels overwhelming:
Gratitude is gentle, positive, and welcoming; it should not bludgeon a person or induce shame. As we work our way through this pandemic, you may notice pressure to feel grateful for whatever blessings you have access to. As you hear those messages and perhaps try to internalize them, notice whether gratitude has become an ally or another source of pain.
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Sarah Epstein, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, seeing therapy clients in Maryland, DC, Texas, and Pennsylvania.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.