Is It You or Them? Understanding the Blame Game
Learn how to pinpoint the true source of your emotional upheaval.
Posted May 27, 2026 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
“It’s not you, it’s me.” With that felicitous phrase, George Costanza made another entry into the annals of Seinfeld hilarity. In this episode of the classic sitcom, George is trying to break up with a girlfriend when she turns the tables on him by breaking up first, using his proprietary phrase on him before he gets the chance.
George’s ensuing indignance makes for great comedy. It came back to me the other day as I returned home from a doctor’s appointment. My doctor had irritated me with a general lack of consideration. But upon reflection, everyone was irritating me that morning. Could all these people be irritating on the same day? It seemed so, but we all know better. As had happened many times since I had quit my psychiatry practice due to health problems, I often found myself in pain, tired, or frustrated. All of this led me to being frequently irritable, as I was that day. Maybe it wasn’t them. It was me.
But I was not yet ready to drop the charges. In each case, the irritator in question had, in fact, been rude, insensitive, thoughtless, generally unsupportive, or some annoying combination. My doctor was glued to his computer and seemed anxious to leave. So, which was the problem: my irritability or people’s irritating behavior?
The common solution–"a little bit of both"—wouldn’t help, as there was nothing "little" about how I felt. It seemed like George Costanza had stumbled upon a modern-day dilemma. Do you assume responsibility for how you feel or look for the outside cause of a feeling? Is it you, or them? This is the blame game.
The Psychology of Blame
In my book, Frontal Fatigue. The Impact of Modern Life and Technology on Mental Illness, I talk about the -ed to -able problem. This is part of a larger discussion about how to deal with modern stress . The point here is we are likely to say we are irritated by things rather than irritable, even when the second choice is more likely.
This directly addresses my dilemma described above. So, how to solve this? One way of looking at this problem is with what psychologists call temperament.
Some people see the glass half full, others half empty. Some find socializing relaxing, while others find it draining.
These are optimists and pessimists, extraverts and introverts , respectively, and are examples of temperaments. Temperament is the most fundamental level of our mental and behavioral dispositions and can be the source of some of our most pronounced biases. It is something we are all born with to one degree or another.
The most important temperament we pay attention to in psychiatry is the internalizer-externalizer distinction. These are coping styles for managing emotions as well as understanding how the world works. The internalizer will direct emotions internally (e.g., guilt ) and see the explanation of problems (such as an irritating day) inside themselves. Externalizers direct emotion outward (e.g., anger ) and see the cause of problems outside of themselves—commonly, in other people.
How to Stop Playing the Blame Game
I am a dyed-in-the-wool internalizer. Despite some very bad behavior on the part of others, it seemed that I could never really know for sure how many of my bad feelings were due to my own disposition and how many were the fault of other people.
To sum up: Is it not me, but you? Or not you, but really me?
The place to begin (with ruthless honesty, I might add, and only after you have cooled down) is in your own mind, as this is the only place you have full access to. Everyone else shows us only snippets of who they are, what’s happened to them, and how they work; even people we know well.
Upon some reflection, it is not hard to learn if you are an internalizer. Internalizers have it easier, as in our culture, this type of self-reflection is admired and thus easier to acknowledge.
Seeing yourself as an externalizer is harder, as fault appears to be clearly outside of you based on the situation's facts, not on your disposition. Even though these are sincere assessments, they are not admired in our culture, and we are less likely to call ourselves externalizers. Yet, most externalizers are not extreme cases, such as those who blame others for everything. The majority simply have different perspectives on emotions and problems.
Once we have a sense of who we are and how we react to emotional situations, we should move on to our state of mind. Here, the question is, how did I feel that day? If you find yourself telling a story about what happened to you, you have overshot the target. Try to recall how you felt as early in the day as possible. Disregard any “why” stories here and stick with “how” you felt.
Was I irritable that day? Yes, I was. But couldn’t other people have caused this irritability (here comes the why story)? Maybe some, but certainly not everyone. And even if some people did, short of egregious mistreatment, their behavior more likely triggered something from my past, as I am not usually prone to irritability.
Being chronically ill in our medical system will make almost anyone irritable. It certainly has done so to me on many occasions. As a physician, I have been on both sides of the exam table, yet I still find the current medical establishment difficult to stomach. Consequently, I have grown very sensitive to the shortcomings of our system. I can easily imagine the smallest lack of consideration on the part of medical personnel could have triggered irritability in me.
I can now conclude with confidence that I have myself to blame for being irritable that day and not everyone else. The medical personnel I interacted with that day are not entirely innocent. But like me, they are stuck within an inherently frustrating system, and I can easily see that makes them short on patience.
By blocking others out and looking at both my general temperament and state of mind, I’ve come to a clearer sense of my own contribution to the feelings I had that day. Once I broadened things and included others, their positions in a dysfunctional system granted me some leeway in judging them. It became easier not to get angry at their inadequacies.
So, the answer is not “a little of both” as we tried above, but a lot of both. It is me, and it is them. But I can examine and exert some control over myself, making this the easier side to attend to.
Yes, this is a bias towards personal responsibility in how I feel. As we are always part of the picture, this is a better way to begin. You will still have to contend with offensive people, who may not be part of a dysfunctional medical system. But even then, it’s better to know any role you have in what you’re confronting.
Overall, self-examination and granting some grace to your offender is the better way. It’s best not to get caught in a psychological dissection—this is the blame game—but rather to seek self-understanding. Psychology helps us recognize why we act in certain ways. It does not erase responsibility for our actions or those of others. Ultimately, it broadens how we see one another and keeps the blame game to a minimum. It is you, and it is me.
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Mark Rego, M.D., is a psychiatrist and a clinical assistant professor at the Yale School of Medicine.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.