Is Divorce the Answer?
When to stay, when to go—and what most couples get wrong.
Updated May 7, 2026 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley
There may be no question more loaded in a long-term relationship than this: “Should we get a divorce ?”
It’s a question filled with grief , fear , and uncertainty. And even if you haven’t said it out loud, many people quietly wonder:
Am I still in love? Is this fixable? Or are we just delaying the inevitable?
Wherever you are in your relationship—whether things are good, strained, or in crisis—this is a moment that deserves thoughtful reflection, not rushed decisions. Because the truth is, most relationships don’t end because love disappears. They end because key areas of connection quietly break down—and stay unaddressed.
The Truth About Divorce
We often hear that 30 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. While the exact numbers vary, the broader reality is clear: Many couples struggle to sustain long-term connection. Even more telling? Second marriages fail at even higher rates. Why? Because without addressing the root issues, we tend to repeat them. So we take our baggage from marriage number one into marriage number two.
The couples I work with in my programs ask me, “but then how can we identify and improve the key issues? Here and now, with our current spouse?”
The 3 Core Causes of Relationship Breakdown
In my work with couples, I consistently see three primary patterns that lead to disconnection—and eventually, the consideration of divorce.
- Communication Breakdown: Low Intimacy
Yes, communication matters, but not in the way most people think. This isn’t just about talking more. It’s about how you communicate about the touch stuff, and it’s about talking honestly and deeply.
Over time, emotional intimacy fades. Remember the long, wandering, curious conversations you used to have when you were dating ? These days, you may share a home, a life, and even a family—but you might no longer feel deeply known. And loneliness inside a relationship is one of the most painful experiences there is.
- Roommates Instead of Lovers: Low Thrill
“I love them…but I am not in love with them anymore. We are more like roommates than a couple…” The shift into complacency and even marital boredom is subtle—and incredibly common. There’s no big rupture. No dramatic moment where we fall out of love. Just a slow drift into...
Many couples call this “growing apart.” I dislike this term because it implies that this is inevitable, it happens on its own, and it is not our fault. But more often, “growing apart” is a result of not nurturing the relationship intentionally. Why? Because you don’t realize how important it is to make your love life a hobby, as I teach it. Carve out time for each other. Make “us” a priority again—the way we were when we were dating.
- Lousy or No Sex: Low Sensuality
The number one reason couples seek our therapy is problems in the bedroom. This is the one couples struggle to talk about, and yet it is a small but key aspect of being in a committed romantic relationship . Sexual desire changes over time for many reasons, and that’s normal. But for many long-term couples, sexual connection disappears entirely.
And when it does, something deeper is lost:
Rebuilding a dead sexual life isn’t always easy, but it is possible. The couples in my online immersion program first learn how to rebuild communication, affection, appreciation, and dating. Then and only then do they learn about the causes of sexual desire disconnect and how to begin to rebuild a sensual connection, together.
The Hard Truth About the Future of Your Relationship—and the Hopeful One
Here’s the reality: If these three key areas of deep relationship—communication, fun connection, and sensuality—are not actively nurtured, relationships suffer. A breakdown in one or more of these relationship skills means your relationship is likely in trouble. One or both of you is lonely, dissatisfied, and even entertaining thoughts like “I don’t want to go on like this” or “maybe I’m with the wrong person.”
But here’s the hopeful news: Change is possible, skills can be learned, and relationships are able to be rebuilt.
I work with many couples who are certain their relationship is over. As they learn the Three Keys to Passion and work to rebuild their communication, play, and sensuality, major transformations can happen.
One couple I worked with, Howard and Karen, married for over 30 years, reached a breaking point when Howard announced, “I want a divorce.” Karen was blindsided and devastated. But they worked hard to revive their love.
Instead of ending things immediately, they chose to pause. They began to...
And something powerful happened: The love they thought was gone…wasn’t gone at all. It had simply gone quiet. In my opinion, it was dying of neglect.
Months after demanding a divorce, Howard surprised his wife with a beautifully planned birthday celebration—bringing together friends from afar, cooking an elaborate meal, and creating a slideshow of their life together.
A relationship that felt finished had been transformed. They fell in love again, with the one they were already with.
Watch this video for more:
To learn more about Howard and Karen's story in their own words, click here.
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Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D. , is an award-winning psychologist, sex therapist, author, speaker, and creator of the Become Passion online immersion couples program.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.