Infidelity on Social Media: A Town Square of Public Shaming
Do we pay attention to our ethics when contributing to public shaming online?
Posted July 20, 2025 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
In the digital age of social media , it is easy to be caught up in stories that become viral. Some of the stories that tend to grab our attention are about celebrities or people in powerful positions, CEOs caught cheating, for example.
The topic of infidelity provokes many emotions in us because it is likely that we can relate to it in some ways. When we react to these stories, we can consider the source of our emotions. Does it awaken a wound of the past (or present) after being betrayed? Does it trigger some guilt or shame for having cheated? Or does it stir some fear of being left behind by a partner?
Although having an affair is not a criminal offence in the Global North, the emotions people feel when they encounter a narrative of cheating are as strong as if they were witnessing a crime . People often criticise those who cheat from a moral perspective, but underneath, it might disturb us on a more existential level. The intensity of emotions may be an inherent fear that it could happen to us; it is the unsettling reality that our relationship could end. An intimate partner can leave the relationship at any time. It pokes at our existential fear of being abandoned.
It is important to examine those feelings; otherwise, we tend to project them onto others, particularly onto the very people whose infidelity stories have provoked emotions in us. When people are caught cheating and their story becomes viral on social media, we need to pay attention to how we manage our reactions. Do we want to contribute to making social media platforms a place of public shaming —a Medieval town square? Do we consider our ethical position when posting comments online?? Public shaming can inflame uncontained shame for the person who betrayed, the one who was betrayed, and the third person involved in the affair. Uncontained shame in its most acute form can induce suicidal thoughts. We could do better to remind ourselves that these people are still humans and we know nothing about their lives, so perhaps we should hold our judgments.
Cheating is non-consensual non- monogamy , and therefore, it is considered an unethical way of conducting relationships because not all parties involved have full information on how to live their lives, which includes emotional safety, financial security, and sexual health. Indeed, it is not recommended to have a secret intimate relationship because it does cause much hurt; however, many people do it. It is estimated that 20 percent of the population in the UK has an affair. People who cheat aren’t necessarily selfish, bad, or immoral. People cheat for multiple reasons, as discussed by Esther Perel in her book The State of Affairs . Some of the reasons:
It might be hard to believe, but many people who cheat are not necessarily unhappy in their primary relationship. Time and time again in my practice, I hear people say that they are very happy with their relationship and that they love their partner very much, but one partner does not always meet all the needs of a human being, as Esther Perel eloquently discusses.
There is also another narrative around infidelity that is not discussed often: for some couples, infidelity saved their relationship , even though the betrayal was painful to start with. Indeed, many people live in long-term relationships that feel stale and part of the daily grind. They don’t know how to make changes, so they continue, but without much joy. The discovery of an infidelity, as painful as it is, can be the thing that significantly rocks the boat and gets the people in the relationship to change so that they can adapt or re-invent their relationship in a way that fits with them better. In my practice, I frequently hear couples say that even though they wished the affair hadn’t happened, they are grateful for the changes that happened as a result of it.
Having an affair, and the discovery of it, are complex, individual, relational and existential processes, so we, as the public witnessing affairs on social media of people whose lives we know nothing about, have a choice to be respectful to the complexities of being human, honouring the nuance of the meaning of infidelity, and not contribute to the public shaming of others as a way to project some of our own uncomfortable emotions. However, seeing these stories in the media can be an opportunity to self-reflect on our own intimate relationships and think if it is time to have courageous conversations with our partners for growing together and making some changes to continue to meet our evolving needs.
Etherson, L. (2023). Shame containment theory—a new approach to shame. Attachment • Vol 17 • No 2 • 141-154
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs. Rethinking Infidelity. Yellow Kite.
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Silva Neves is a COSRT-accredited and UKCP-registered psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist in London.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.