If You Are Dying… What You May Want Your Family to Know
You can improve bereavement for those you’ll leave behind.
Posted June 1, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
“Courageously fighting a battle” with cancer, ALS, or other life-ending illness is a point of pride with some, evidenced by how often these words appear in obituaries. We know these courageous fighters—ones who refuse to “give in” to illness, or even to the truth that they are dying. No one around them can talk about death, let alone cry or express wishes, feelings, or needs, physical or emotional.
But patients who struggle against the truth of a life-limiting illness and prognosis—or “fearlessly” hide symptoms or feelings so as not to burden others—hurt themselves and their beloveds both.
We call this type of keeping quiet “protective buffering,” and it ends up harming end-of-life patients and loved ones, too. It’s as though secrets and unknowns hang in the air between patient and caregiver, like secondhand smoke. And just like secondhand smoke, it’s toxic.
Unspoken, concealed symptoms or needs cause anxiety and distress to patients and people in a family care dyad or team, and can even exacerbate symptoms for the patient, negatively impacting quality of life. Words unsaid or “unfinished business,” then, may create more painful bereavement for those left behind.
We live in a culture that valorizes stoicism and lack of emotional expression, especially in men. And often, no one helps a dying person talk to loved ones to smooth the path, both at their end of life and for after they’re gone.
So the most valiant “battle” at the end of life may be the one a patient fights to become transparent and emotionally available, expressing what’s hanging silently in the room and very air. Learning to voice emotional truth creates healthier bereavement without lingering regrets—perhaps a last, but forever cherished gift given by a dying loved one to those they love.
Here are ways to start:
One poignant advantage at end of life is knowing how precious life—and each moment—are. You needn’t use all these suggestions. Pick what’s important to you and the people you love. Another beauty of speaking end-of-life truths is that you can mess up and try again. At no other time are loved ones likely listening so acutely. Share your thoughts, feelings, and touch; smiles, laughter, and needs. After you’re gone, your loved ones can remember your words and thoughts forever, easing their way into a healthier bereavement and future.
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Langer SL, Brown JD, Syrjala KL. Intrapersonal and interpersonal consequences of protective buffering among cancer patients and caregivers. Cancer. 2009 Sep 15;115(18 Suppl):4311-25. doi: 10.1002/cncr.24586. PMID: 19731352; PMCID: PMC2762643.
Byock, I. The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living , Atria Books, 2014.
Hewson, H., Galbraith, N., Jones, C., & Heath, G. (2024). The impact of continuing bonds following bereavement: A systematic review. Death Studies , 48 (10), 1001–1014. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2023.2223593
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Diane Solomon is a Harvard-trained writer, Yale-trained nurse-midwife, and Oregon Health & Sciences University-trained psychiatric nurse practitioner and Ph.D.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.