If Punishments Don't Work, What Does?
How parental positioning, not punishments, shapes behaviour.
Posted January 18, 2026 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
People often ask, "Well, if punishments don’t work, what does?"
My answer is not just one thing.
First, you have to facilitate through the situation, which means realigning your mindset and asking yourself what you need to do to effect change for the next time you see this behaviour.
Once this mindset has been established, there is a sequence of steps we must avoid to be able to effect change. These are as follows:
- Do not allow your reactions to be based on what your child is saying.
Let's take a look at a common example: Child says, 'You never help me.' You reply, 'What are you talking about? I’m trying to help you now?!'
There is no leadership in this response. All we are doing is trying to answer whatever statement our child throws at us. When we answer this way, we are not facilitating at all. We are simply being reactionary. We must also remember that when a child is in the throes of a behavioural challenge, they will subconsciously seek to provoke their parent. When we answer this way, we simply encourage this habitual behaviour and don't provide any learning opportunity to change it.
Therefore, the next time there is a behavioural challenge, the same thing will happen again.
- Do not justify yourself to prove your worth.
Let's take a look at a common example: Child says, 'You don’t love me, you hate me, you never understand anything!' You reply, 'Of course I love you, I would never hate you, and I would love to understand, but how can I when you shout at me all the time?'
Again, there is no leadership in this response. In addition, when we try to prove our love for our child during a behavioural dynamic, our authenticity has no impact and reflects a lack of confidence , and certainly any level of confidence to effect change.
So, in simple terms, when you justify yourself and try to prove your worth to your child in the throes of a behavioural dynamic, whilst it seems your response provides your child with much-needed security, in fact, it has the opposite effect.
- Do not engage in a ping-pong match.
Let's take a look at a common example: You say, 'Why are you shouting at me?' Child replies, 'Why not?' You say, 'Stop shouting at me, and don’t swear at me.' Child says, 'I’ll say and do what I like.'
Again, there is no leadership in this response, and parental authority has gone out the window. It is clear during a ping-pong match that the child is entirely in control of the dynamic. No opportunity to learn can be established during moments like this.
Real change doesn’t come from reacting in the moment, but from leading it.
When parents stop defending, justifying, and engaging, they create the conditions for learning, authority, and lasting behavioural change.
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Deborah French, M.Sc., is a cognitive behavioral psychotherapist in private practice.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.