I Just Can’t Decide. What Should I Do?
How to use ACT to work with ambivalence.
Posted June 2, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
It’s pretty common in my practice to have clients come in with what feels to them like life-or-death decisions.
A medical student is trying to decide whether to do residency in pediatric neurosurgery or psychiatry . He doesn’t want to close the door on working with kids, but he also knows he may have a more flexible schedule as a psychiatrist—and that matters to him if he wants to have his own kids.
A single dad is texting with a romantic interest. She doesn’t respond. Should he reach out again? Will she think he’s desperate if he does? Will she disappear if he doesn’t?
How do we decide the best path when we are ambivalent? A part of us wants this. A part of us wants that. And we don’t want to miss out on either.
When my clients are stuck in the middle and don’t know what to do, I see it as the perfect opportunity for psychological flexibility. Because the truth is, there is no one right path for any of us. No matter what you decide, there will likely be discomfort, loss, or disappointment. Decisions mean you have to let go of something and avoidance of that pain is what keeps us in limbo.
So what can you do? Here’s what I what I ask my clients when they are stuck in indecision.
1. Cognitive Defusion: What Are the Stories in Your Head?
What are the two competing stories your mind is telling you?
Write them down as “if/then” statements.
For example, for the texting father, it might sound like this:
Now rewrite the sentences around what you don’t want to feel:
Notice how your mind is trying to get you not to feel something by solving the decision? The problem is, you can’t really solve loneliness or desperation by making the perfect choice. Feelings are not math problems. You don’t get rid of them by choosing correctly.
Which is why we move to the next step.
2. Acceptance: What Feeling Are You Trying Not to Feel?
Take the sentences you wrote above.
Now ask: What does desperate feel like in my body? What does lonely feel like? And what if that feeling is a prerequisite for both sides of the decision? You may feel it either way. That is why you are caught in the middle. So the question becomes: Are you willing to make room for this feeling?
Once you swim around a little and see that either way you may feel the thing you don’t want to feel, you are ready for the next big move.
3. Self-as-Context: Who Is the You That Is Bigger Than This Decision?
Self-as-context is the recognition that you are bigger than your feelings. You are bigger than this decision. And you certainly are not the outcome.
This is a question I asked a client over and over again today—the man who was stuck about whether to text: Who are you?
He answered, “I see myself as an eight-year-old riding my bike. I am me. Free.”
There is a you that is bigger than this decision. There is a you that is more spacious, more whole, more transcendent than the part of you trying to figure everything out. And when you contact that version of you, it frees you up for the next step.
4. Values: What Matters Most?
Ask yourself: What matters most to me here?
Values are how you show up, no matter what. They are not how you show up only after you figure everything out. Please don’t wait to make the decision to start living them.
Which brings us to the next step.
5. Get Present: What Is Here Now?
Often when we are stuck in indecision, we are time-traveling to a pretend future, playing out all the stories trying to figure out which is the perfect ending.
Don’t give up the present for a future you don’t yet know, or may never know. The only time we actually have is now. Especially when you are in indecision, it helps to be in the now.
Which leads us to the final step.
6. Committed Action: Practice Jumping
At some point, you just decide. And then you live with the decision—using all the processes you just went through: You don’t let your mind keep punishing you. You accept the pain that comes with choosing. You remember that you are bigger than the decision. You live your values. You come back to the here and now.
And I promise, you will be just fine.
After showing the father how to send a voice memo, he voice memoed his date a text that said: “I’m on my way to kayak. I’d love to see you later tonight.”
That’s wise effort. Love it.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.