How Your Perfectionism Hurts Your Loved Ones
Our loved ones can be powerful motivators for controlling our perfectionism.
Posted June 21, 2025 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Much has been written about the negative effects of perfectionism on one’s emotional well-being. Perfectionism is associated with a host of mental health difficulties, including depression and anxiety . It can also have a negative impact on your work performance, as it is a risk factor for burnout and feeling like an impostor.
However, less is written about the negative effects of perfectionism on your interpersonal relationships. The truth is, your perfectionism not only hurts you, but it also hurts those you care about the most.
There are different types of perfectionism. Most people are aware of the self-oriented type, which stems from holding oneself to excessively high, and unrealistic, personal standards. Self-oriented perfectionists engage in strict self-evaluation. They tend to be their toughest critics and disparage themselves when they fail to meet self-imposed standards.
Many people also recognize that their perfectionistic tendencies are a response to excessively high expectations set by their surrounding environment. In socially prescribed perfectionism, one adopts the standards of one's environment to fit in and gain approval. As an example, socially prescribed perfectionism is common in medicine. Physicians are expected to be perfect and often face repercussions for even the slightest deviation from perfection.
However, many perfectionists fail to recognize how their perfectionism negatively impacts those around them. In other-oriented perfectionism, one sets excessively high expectations for others and provides strict criticism when the expectations are not met. Examples of other-oriented perfectionism include a parent with perfectionist tendencies expecting perfect grades from their child or constantly expecting everyone in a household to keep the house spotless.
I have witnessed the negative effects of other-oriented perfectionism. I recall working with someone who would experience significant anxiety every time she invited friends over because she was afraid they would judge her for not keeping her house spotless. During our sessions together, she recalled how her mother would work tirelessly to keep their house immaculate and be hypercritical if the house was not orderly.
In another case, I recall working with a college student who was having significant anxiety about his academic performance. No, he was not flunking college. Rather, he had earned a B on his report card and was afraid that his career goals had been derailed. Upon further inquiry, we uncovered how his catastrophic thinking stemmed from being raised in a suffocating household with demanding parents who expected straight A's. In an effort to gain their approval and avoid punishment , he adopted this standard even though it meant not having a social life growing up. As a result, he did not know how to cope with his first B because he interpreted it as a colossal failure.
As you can see from these cases, your perfectionism does not only hurt you. It also hurts those you care about the most. The impact may not be noticeable at this very moment. It often lies dormant, only to unexpectedly emerge years down the road.
The best way to spare your loved ones from the painful effects of perfectionism is to tame your own perfectionism. As a father, I can console my children when they experience the sting of failure and encourage them to prioritize progress over perfection. However, if I hold onto my perfectionism, bestowed upon me during childhood and reinforced throughout my career in medicine, then my words lose credibility.
Actions speak louder than words. Your actions hold greater gravity than your words and convey what you truly expect from others.
If your loved ones are the motive to tame your perfectionism, now is a good time to start. Here are five tips to help you.
1. Give yourself grace.
Your instinct is to criticize yourself harshly when you experience the sting of failure. When you feel the urge to do so, press pause. Give yourself grace. Failure is a universal human experience that catalyzes personal growth.
2. Pick your battles.
You can’t be perfect at everything. You can’t simultaneously be the perfect parent, partner, and employee while also finding the time to keep your house tidy, prepare healthy meals, exercise, and be the life of the party.
You have competing responsibilities that pull you in different directions. You cannot complete them all simultaneously. Focusing on one aspect of your life means you have to set aside another one.
The best you can do is be mindful of how you allocate your limited time and energy.
3. Remember your loved ones.
Your perfectionistic tendencies are hard to tame. They have been ingrained in you for many years. A part of you finds comfort in your perfectionism and will resist letting go.
Tolerate the discomfort of imperfection. Remember the cost of perfectionism on your own physical, mental, and social health. You want your loved ones to be happy and spared from these effects. Your efforts to tame your perfectionism are acts of love and compassion for the people you care about the most.
4. Recalibrate your expectations.
Perfectionists tend to fall for the all-or-nothing trap. In their minds, if an outcome is not perfect, then it is a complete failure.
Being imperfect does not mean you have failed. For example, you may earn a B on an exam because of minor mistakes. Though imperfect, this is a respectable grade and certainly not the equivalent of an F.
5. Embrace personal growth.
Perfectionism does not permit any room for personal growth. After all, if you are perfect, then you have nothing to work on. This is the antithesis of a growth mindset .
In our rapidly changing and increasingly competitive world, it is important that you continually refine yourself by cultivating new skills. Refusing to engage in this process makes you vulnerable to stagnation and being left behind.
Work hard, do your best, and focus on making consistent progress rather than being perfect. This blueprint is more likely to provide you and your loved ones with personal and professional fulfillment.
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Egan SJ, Wade TD, Shafran R. Perfectionism as a transdiagnostic process: a clinical review. Clin Psychol Rev. 2011;31(2):203-212. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2010.04.009
Thompson T, Foreman P, Martin F. Impostor fears and perfectionistic concern over mistakes. Personality and Individual Differences. Oct 2000;29(4):629-647. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0191-8869(99)00218-4
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Dimitrios Tsatiris, M.D. , is a practicing board-certified psychiatrist specializing in the field of anxiety management. He is a Clinical Assistant Professor of psychiatry at Northeast Ohio Medical University.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.