How to Create Self-Respect Despite Growing Up With Narcissists

Respecting yourself can feel easier than loving yourself at first.

Posted May 15, 2026 | Reviewed by Tyler Woods

Self-love is an important practice in healing and is often associated with self-compassion, self-esteem , and self-care. These practices, while important, can feel frustratingly out of reach for those who have survived toxic relationships or highly critical and high-conflict family environments , which can feel traumatic .

As discussed in my recent book, Adult Children of High-Conflict Parents , many adults raised by narcissistic , emotionally immature , or high-conflict caregivers find the idea of “loving yourself” can feel abstract or emotionally unsafe. When affection and approval were conditional, self-worth often became tied to performance, compliance, or emotional caretaking . As a result, many trauma survivors enter adulthood struggling with chronic self-criticism, people-pleasing, and difficulty trusting their own needs. Many adult survivors have strong inner bullies to constantly combat, that continue to lead to feelings of shame and guilt , and continue to erode their self- worth. I have found in working with survivors that acts of self- respect (such as setting boundaries , assertiveness , and treating themselves like they would a loved one) can be the first step in beginning their practice of self-love, which leads to ongoing healing.

Self-Respect Is Behavioral, Not Emotional

While self-love is commonly understood as an internal feeling, self-respect is expressed through behavior. It shows up in the choices you make, the boundaries you set, and the standards you accept of others for how you are treated. Self-respect is a practice, and this practice requires both discipline and the ability to tolerate the discomfort that comes with learning new patterns. For instance, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may have learned to people-please , developing a habit of making others' needs more important than your own.

Also, the act of self-respect does not require feeling confident or liking yourself every day; we all have bad days and don't always feel great about ourselves. Individuals can practice self-respect even during periods of self-doubt or emotional distress. However, it requires acting in ways that protect your well-being over time, even when self-doubt or discomfort is present. For trauma survivors, this distinction matters. Feelings can be unreliable when shaped by years of criticism or gaslighting . Behavior, however, can be chosen.

The act of self-respect offers an easier starting point because changes in behavior can become the starting point for rebuilding a healthier relationship with oneself. Repeated actions that communicate safety and self-protection can gradually strengthen internal trust.

Building Self-Respect Through Consistent Action and Everyday Choices

This can be cultivated through consistent and often quiet decisions that communicate both safety and reliability to your nervous system .

Each act of self-respect reinforces the message "I matter, even when it is uncomfortable". Although these behaviors may appear small, they often represent significant psychological shifts for individuals conditioned to prioritize others’ needs over their own.

Boundaries Are an Act of Self-Respect

Boundary-setting is one of the clearest expressions of self-respect, yet it is also one of the most difficult skills for many adult children of dysfunctional families to develop. In enmeshed or narcissistic family systems, boundaries are frequently discouraged. Messages like saying what you are feeling or asking for what you need can be called selfish or demanding. Children may learn that asserting independence leads to criticism, withdrawal, conflict, or guilt. As adults, they may continue to associate boundaries with selfishness or rejection.

Understand that boundaries are not acts of punishment , nor are they walls; they are structures that promote your own emotional safety. Healthy boundaries help individuals determine what behaviors they will accept and how they will respond when limits are crossed. Consistent consequences for boundary violations are key in teaching people how to treat you, but also in keeping your nervous system safe. Practicing boundaries is not about controlling others' behaviors, nor are they walls; they are ways to keep yourself emotionally, physically, and psychologically protected and safe.

Self-Respect Helps Rebuild Self-Trust and Worthiness

Many trauma survivors struggle with self-trust because their emotions, perceptions, or needs were repeatedly dismissed during childhood . Over time, they may become disconnected from their own internal experiences and rely heavily on external validation.

Self-respect helps restore this trust through repetition and consistency. Each time you honor your personal limits, respond compassionately to tiredness, or make a decision aligned with your wellbeing, you consistently reinforce the message that your needs matter.

This process is rarely linear. Moments of people-pleasing, self-abandonment, or overexplaining may still occur. Trauma-informed healing does not view these moments as failures, but as opportunities for awareness and repair. The goal is not perfection, but increased consistency in responding to oneself with care rather than self-punishment.

Self-Love Develops as a Byproduct

A common misconception is that healing requires immediately developing high self-esteem or unconditional self-love. This does not happen overnight; it becomes a consistent way of reframing things you have been taught. Further, when self-respect becomes a consistent part of your life, self-love emerges naturally. It can show up as increased self-compassion , clearer and more confident decision-making , and a strong sense of self-worth. For many trauma survivors, these expectations can create additional shame when such feelings do not emerge quickly. Rather than pressuring yourself and demanding “Do I love myself yet?” ask yourself a gentler question: Can I treat myself with self-respect and compassion even when self-love feels hard? For many individuals recovering from childhood emotional trauma, that question represents the beginning of genuine healing.

A version of this article also appears on www.drtracyhutchinson.com .

Hutchinson, T. S. (2025). Adult children of high‑conflict parents: Find freedom from your past, heal the pain of toxic relational trauma, and cultivate lasting self‑love. New Harbinger Publications: CA.

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Tracy S. Hutchinson, Ph.D. , is a psychotherapist, consultant, and author of Adult Children of High-Conflict Parents: Find Freedom from Your Past, Heal the Pain of Toxic Relational Trauma, and Cultivate Lasting Self-Love.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.