How to Consider Moral Development When Parenting
You can't rush moral development, but you can certainly support it.
Posted February 7, 2025 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
The development of moral reasoning is not based on what age or grade a child is in. It is a representation of how they see the world and get their needs met. As parents, we all look for that point when our children learn to do what is right because it is right, not because they will get in trouble if they don't do the right thing.
Without knowing it, parents use the development of moral reasoning to make a lot of decisions regarding their children. There comes a time when we trust them to walk or ride a bike to school, to do their homework without us checking it, and to stay out late into the evenings with their friends on a weekend. Most likely, the child or teen has demonstrated to a parent that they can be trusted in these situations to follow the rules or to make well thought-out decisions. Obviously, the better they prove to us that they are responsible and trustworthy, the more privileges we give them.
As is the case with other developmental theories, even the most considerate parents may try to rush their children through a developmental challenge because they see other kids mastering it or provide so much support that a child doesn't really get exposed to the challenge. The same concept applies to moral development. Children simply need to move through the stages as they grow and gain lots of practice. Parents cannot do this for their kids, they can't rush it, and they shouldn't protect them from the process.
Essentially, kids need to make mistakes. With young children, it might be a little thing like not sharing a toy and making a playmate cry, and with teens, it could involve theft, cheating in school, or lying . Parents in these situations are tempted to jump in and resolve the problem for their children. Regardless of what the moral dilemma is, children need the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and evaluate their behavior and value set. While navigating these tricky issues, always prioritize the safety of your child, even if there is a great lesson to be learned.
Lawrence Kohlberg is the most famous developmental theorist responsible for the classifying of moral development in children and adults. Kohlberg put almost no emphasis on an individual’s age and focused on their needs and motives. His famous research focused on the responses that individuals gave on a series of moral dilemmas. Essentially, he would ask people what they would do in a particularly difficult situation in which there was no clear ‘correct’ answer. The result of thousands of interviews and decades of work are Kohlberg’s three general levels of moral development.
Preconventional Morality : At this phase, children respond to situations based on the rules and consequences surrounding them, which determine right and wrong. Parents can help by developing clear and concise rules and consistently applying accompanying consequences. Children respond best when they know what their parents' response is going to be.
Conventional Morality: Children at this phase are focused on conformity to a peer group. At this age, kids adopt the group's sense of responsibility, views about the world, and how they will treat each other, which means a child's peer group will have a powerful influence on the thinking and moral development of a child. Parents who are around to observe during activities that include their child's friends are at a big advantage. Opportunities for observing include driving children and their friends to events and hosting the group at their house. Being able to discuss the difference between the family's values and those of their peers with your child is a valuable tool to open communication.
Postconventional Morality: This phase of moral development and thinking seldom occurs before college, but parents of children of any age can be supportive of this process. It is at this point that individuals begin to see morality as being a responsibility to society, and not just about laws and rules. Supporting a child's drive to change how they interact with society and the rules of a community is very important.
Moral development is less dependent on the age of the individual and focuses more on the thinking and problem-solving skills they have developed. Setting good examples, explaining why you make certain choices, and encouraging independent thought are all ways a parent can support moral development in their children.
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Ronald Stolberg, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and professor at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University and author of Teaching Kids to Think.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.