How to Combat Irrational Thoughts
We have many requirements and expectations, but the world does not cooperate.
Updated January 24, 2026 | Reviewed by Tyler Woods
My Hui cousins, in the Tibetan-Qinghai plateau, don’t slosh around in what could have been or ought to be. Instead, they frequently use the expression bai le, 败了 , which conveys defeat. However, this saying means much more than defeat. It’s used to express: Let it go. Oh well. That’s too bad. He missed the train. Bai le . She didn’t get the job. Bai le. The husband left his wife. Bai le. It applies to both minor and major events. In Western cultures, one would not be inclined to say, “Oh, too bad” about the dissolution of a marriage . Yet the concept is neither flippant nor callous; it accepts the idea that hardship is part of everyday existence.
Bemoaning what would have, should have, or could have been, not to mention what ought to be, is a type of inner noise many of us suffer. This type of thinking was coined musterbating by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who developed rational emotive behavior therapy and authored books like The Road to Tolerance . Like other forms of fatalistic thinking, musterbating emphasizes negativity in its wholly demanding nature. When we musterbate, we tell ourselves that we must do something. The idea of bai le is in line with Ellis’s idea that we must be tolerant of life and its ambiguity. He must have been a little Asian.
I must succeed. I must be loved by this one person. I must do better. I must win. I must have more.
Ellis contended that this very irrationality is the root of a lot of emotional distress people experience. We cry over what we must make happen, leaving little room for constructive and solution-based thought. This is stubborn thinking at its core.
The person wallowing in such negative thoughts has an unreasonable belief system; it’s the foundation of a rigid approach to life. Expectations are not met, and the distressed person struggles with the reality that she cannot control the actions of others or the situations and circumstances that come about. This person is left with feelings of failure.
For Ellis, no end outcome would make everything in life all better. Winning the object of our affection’s love or landing a coveted job may make everything better for a little while, but not for the long haul. In truth, adding such a premium on a desired result can backfire. Situations in life are not forever. What we think we must have today may not even be what we want tomorrow. Ellis noted that people construct their negative feelings, and they can deconstruct them through open and logical thinking, replacing irrational thoughts with rational ones.
To become more tolerant of life’s unpredictable surprises, we can learn from other cultures. Many cultures handle ambiguity and not knowing with aplomb. For them, life is interdependent and interconnected, and they handle uncertainty by watching how life unfolds. Accepting how life can be fickle is perhaps the most critical truth. Nothing is fixed, and everything is in motion. When we make plans, for example, we can be more open to changing them. Resisting change exacerbates the uncertainty, perhaps immobilizing us from forward momentum. Our willingness to tolerate life as it comes can help. The mind geared toward acceptance is fine with a little or a lot of ambiguity.
We are not the sum of our negative thoughts
A belief that life sucks may infect a person’s underlying self- identity — that downer of a guy knows every situation will result in the worst outcome ever. When we are in this struggle, we may think that other people, perhaps an intimate relationship, will ameliorate all our distress. However, no one can save us from the miseries inside our heads. We have to do it ourselves.
Demanding that something should have happened or must happen in a certain way is the essence of musterbating. Ellis’s widely practiced rational emotive behavior therapy is effective in dealing with anxiety , depression , intense anger , hypersensitivity, and other emotion regulation difficulties. He had some thoughts on how to combat our regrets and unreasonable internal demands:
We have impossible requirements and expectations, and the world does not cooperate. However, refraining from absolutism will help us cope and problem-solve more effectively.
It’s good to dispute irrationality and set aside imperative thoughts like must and should . In Ellis’s view, they are illogical, rigid, and unrealistic.
We can reframe our thinking by viewing situations and events more positively.
It’s helpful to replace a rigid view of a situation with positive and accepting thoughts.
We can visualize a situation that gives us anxiety— I will suck when I give my speech —and then visualize a positive outcome— I am prepared to give my speech; I am going to ace it.
We can also replace our negative thoughts with humor . Levity can flip a switch and de-escalate mental distress so that we can think about a situation positively.
Accepting that what we get in life is what we get may also lead to less frustration.
Acceptance does not mean it will be pleasant.
Life situations can be well beyond our control. Knowing this may give us peace.
The Road to Tolerance. Prometheus. 2004. A. Ellis.
Putting the Fun Back into Dysfunctional : Is the use of humour in Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy a desirable condition or an amusing aside? The Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapist. 2011. D. Fryer.
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Lybi Ma is the executive editor of Psychology Today and author of How to Be Less Miserable.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.