How to Spot a Flirt
Research finds that we’re surprisingly bad at recognizing flirtation.
Posted August 11, 2014 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
You’ve got beautiful eyes. Can I buy you a drink?
Sometimes flirting is completely obvious, but often it's more indirect and tentative. How accurately can you decipher flirting from non-flirting? Are you likely to misinterpret attempts just to be friendly as flirting? (“ He’s always flirting with me!” “Um, no he’s not.” ) Or are you the kind of person who thinks real attempts at flirtation are just basic conversation? ( “No one flirts with me.” “I’m trying to flirt with you right now.” “That’s sweet, but seriously, no one flirts with me” ).
Flirting is more complicated than you might think.
By definition, flirting is communicating in a way that signals attraction (Hall, Carter, Cody, and Albright, 2010). Here’s the thing though: Most people aren’t eager to experience direct rejection, so if they want to communicate interest, they might use indirect flirting strategies, those that resemble other, non-flirting conversation (teasing, joking, being friendly).
Recent research offers new insights into how accurately people detect real flirting behavior (Hall, Xing, and Brooks, 2014). The researchers brought strangers into the lab, had them talk to each other for 10 or so minutes in a “first impressions” task, then (in private) asked them questions about the interaction.
How accurately do people decipher flirting and non-flirting?
Overall, these are rather disappointing results. With so many people mistaking real flirting for neutral conversation, a lot of people might be missing out on romance. At the same time, though, people tend not to overestimate flirting, which could be socially useful. After all, the consequences of misinterpreting casual chatter for flirtation could be serious. We’re still left with the puzzle of how to accurately detect flirting, a puzzle that seems even more important now that we know how poorly people do at the task, in general.
Clues that help you spot real flirting
Fox, K. (2004). SIRC guide to flirting: What social science can tell you about flirting and how to do it. Retrieved from Social Issues Research Centre website: http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.pdf
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly , 58 (4), 365-393.
Hall, J. A., Xing, C., & Brooks, S. (2014). Accurately detecting flirting: Error management theory, the traditional sexual script, and flirting base rate. Communication Research , Advanced online publication. doi:093650214534972.
Henningsen, D. D., Kartch, F., Orr, N., & Brown, A. (2009). The perceptions of verbal and nonverbal flirting cues in cross-sex interactions. Human Communication , 12 (4), 371-381.
Kelley, H. H. (1967). Attribution theory in social psychology. In Nebraska symposium on motivation . University of Nebraska Press.
McBain, K. A., Hewitt, L., Maher, T., Sercombe, M., Sypher, S., & Tirendi, G. (2013). Is this seat taken? The importance of context during the initiation of romantic communication. International Journal of Humanities and Social Science, 3, 79-89.
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Theresa DiDonato, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and a professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.