How Our Memories Reconstruct the Past
We tend to be completely unaware of the tricks our memories play on us.
Posted May 15, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
It turns out that many of our memories aren't what we think they are.
About a month ago my husband and I visited Rome. It wasn't our first time there, and in fact I was eager to get back: Both our visits coincided with the artichoke harvest, when restaurants all over Italy are turning the vegetable into fabulous dishes. During our prior visit we hadn't been able to visit a particular restaurant for the season, and I was determined to do it this time around. I had cherished the memory of that perfect artichoke for ten years.
The trouble was, the restaurant wasn't where it was supposed to be. There was a house where it was supposed to be. I remembered the placement clearly. I remembered what was on the corner, and I could even call up a couple of landmarks.
It wasn't there. It had never been there. But I remembered it clearly in my mind.
You may have a story similar to mine. Someone might bring up an activity you shared months or even years ago, and their telling doesn't match how you remember the event. Or you might be absolutely certain that you told somebody when and where to meet you, but they claim later you never had that conversation. Differing memories of the same time period, or event, or conversation can put us at odds with each other—and sometimes even with ourselves—when they're proven wrong. The conflict this juxtaposition creates can be significant.
The present colors the past
What happens is that our current lives get imposed on our memories , and we recreate the memories based on that present and think they are "right" ... but in reality, they've been added to.
One of the aspects of memory I've observed in my practice, and particularly through the use of hypnosis , is that memory is state-dependent: the state you're in right now, in the present, determines your awareness of the memory. This holds true whether it's a joyful or a painful memory. If you're depressed in the moment that your memory is surfacing, it will be both more negative and more difficult to access. If you're feeling good in the moment, the memory will be stronger and more positive.
For some time I'd been seeing a mother and her son in therapy . They seemed to relish bringing up events and situations from their shared past, but almost never had the same memory of what had actually happened. They argued about the date of certain family milestones, the weather they experienced during a family outing, the name of the person with whom they'd had a conversation. They were relentless in each, proclaiming that their memory was the correct one.
The truth is, most memories aren't 100% accurate. They're formed both by our perceptions in the moment and by how we later interpret those perceptions.
A recent study by researchers at Rice University found that memories are often shaped by emotional content, personal significance, and repetition and attention . For example, individuals are more likely to remember events with deep emotional resonance, or details on which they actively focus.
I've found this to be true. like it or not, I can't not notice what people are wearing—that's just my thing. Others might notice speech patterns, or mannerisms, or any of a myriad of other perceptions that work together to form a memory. We all have more clarity around the things that are important to us, so we perceive a given event through the lens of that clarity. Our memories are all more accurate and perceptive around the things we happen to notice—we don't have to try to remember them, we're just automatically good at it. In the same way, we're less attuned to what isn't of interest to us, so we perceive it as being of lesser importance, and the memory of it fades.
There are factual things we might remember correctly or misremember, like the location of a restaurant. When I "remembered" the location of the restaurant in Rome, I was dealing with an irrefutable fact. It was where it had always been; the difference was only in my mind. When it comes to irrefutable things, like dates or movie titles, our memory can be either "right" or "wrong."
But when it comes to our memory of our experiences, that's when the process of retrieving and examining them can be tricky. It's always been interesting to me that three people attending the same event can come away with such different perceptions and memories that it's hard to perceive they're even describing the same occasion!
This doesn't have to be problematic—and, by and large, it isn't. We've all had the experience of sharing stories with old college friends during which we either don't remember the event they're describing, or remember it completely differently. Generally people are able to have a chuckle about it. But with partners and within families, these differences can quickly engender heated moments of disagreement.
Factual memories can be right or wrong. Subjective memories, which depend on your experience of the past, are never completely right or completely wrong: they're interpretations, and everyone has a different angle on interpreting what has happened.
Once we realize that, it's easier to soften our expectations of others and of ourselves: Instead of fixating on the "factual" details of a memory, we might try to respect the other person's experience—even when our interpretation is different from theirs. Giving up the constant need to be right, and appreciating others' truths, is one of the most important components of healthy relationships.
More reconstructive than reproductive
When we make assumptions about how things were, it fuels our imaginations—we fill in the gaps with a story. Our memories reconstruct events rather than reproducing them.
We have to accept that's the way our brains work. Even when we "know" we're right, there's always room for other perceptions, other interpretations... other memories.
We need to accept that our memories about our experiences are constructed. We don't construct them intentionally, which means that we're probably not aware of our lens of subjectivity and emotion . Accepting this allows us to bridge the gap between our memory and that of our partner, friend, or family member. Practicing curiosity about another person's memory is much more constructive than dying on the hill of "truth."
What's ultimately important is to engage with respect, find middle ground, and reach a new way of being together in the present and in sharing memories of the past.
And—this time, I know I'm right!
Morales-Calva and Stephanie Leal: Emotional Modulation of Memorability in Mnemonic Discrimination, Neurobiologu of Learning and Memory, vol. 210, April 2024
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Rick Miller, LISW , is a clinical social worker in private practice in Massachusetts, and the author of Unwrapped: Integrative Therapy with Gay Men … the Gift of Presence (2015).
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.