How Do You Know if You Can Trust Someone?
You just can't trust everyone. How do you know if you've found one who you can?
Posted January 20, 2026 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
You don’t buy me, borrow me, or steal me, I’m handed over freely at first. Break me once, and I change forever, and I am challenging to repair. Keep me well, and I multiply. What am I?
Some people just come off as more trustworthy than others. It's hard to put it into words, but with certain people, you might find yourself spilling your guts upon first meeting, feeling a sense of safety and comfort that puts you at ease and lets you relax.
Others might put you on guard in a visceral way—you don't know exactly what it is, but something about them makes your nervous system vigilant, and you start to second-guess what you tell them or how close you let them get. It often seems like your body knows before your mind does who you can trust. Call it intuition , or call it “when we think without thinking, [when] we know without knowing why" (Gladwell, 2005).
Malcom Gladwell's classic book Blink detailed a series of studies that show that our split-second judgements of someone's trustworthiness, based on the tiniest of verbal and nonverbal cues, are often surprisingly accurate. In fact, these unconscious , rapid assessments can be just as valid as careful analysis.
We are more likely to trust people who exhibit the following qualities:
None of these factors alone can reliably predict how trustworthy a person is, and those who lie may know how to deceive and misrepresent themselves. Indeed, meta-analytic studies show that neither verbal nor nonverbal cues are reliable predictors of dishonesty on their own (Vrij, 2019).
These cues, however, can signal a person's interests, values, and orientation. Are they oriented towards others' well-being, towards meeting others' needs? It goes without saying that a person who is caring and kind is more likely to pick up on others' emotions and respond with positivity and warmth, and, over the long term, to prioritize others' well-being over their own desires.
But we can't always tell right away, truly, how trustworthy someone is. The only way to really determine how trustworthy someone is is to observe their actions. Do they consistently show that they care about others' feelings by showing a willingness to bear costs in order to benefit others? This could look like being a hard worker in the ways that matter, making small sacrifices for their loved ones, or a conversational style that shows engagement and a desire to understand.
It also looks like avoiding betrayal. Those who consistently put their own needs and desires above others' are best met with caution. Infidelity is an example of this: a signal that a person has put their desires over their partner's and what the relationship needs to thrive. This trust can be repaired—and even ultimately lead to a better relationship than ever before with time, accountability, and lots of listening—but only when safety is reestablished through consistent predictability, safety, and sacrifice.
Those who have experienced relational trauma , in any of its forms, may lose contact with their intuition that tells them who they can and cannot trust. This can result in re-traumatization, as we go toward what is familiar, even if it hurts us, mistaking familiarity for predictability and safety. I believe those snap judgments are still there, buried deep beneath the scars of betrayal and hurt.
When it comes to trusting, listen to your intuition, but don't let it be the end-all, be-all. Hold it lightly, loosely. Observe and collect data about this person's character, especially their tendency to care about others' feelings and needs in large and small moments. In a relationship, no matter what kind, the extent to which you both show care about each other's well-being is the extent to which the relationship will thrive. When your needs are repeatedly ignored or swatted away, relationships become draining, and trust slowly crumbles into sand.
Gladwell, M. (2005). Blink: The power of thinking without thinking . Little, Brown and Co.
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Tasha Seiter, M.S., Ph.D., LMFT, provides online couples and individual therapy as well as life and relationship coaching to anyone hoping to improve their life or relationship.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.