How to Be Effectively Assertive
Five steps for being assertive without being aggressive
Posted December 21, 2019 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
People often tell me they admire my courage to demand what I need. I don’t see it as courage. I see it as being clear and direct about what I need to do my work and support my health.
There seems to be a misunderstanding between what is being polite and what is taking care of yourself. This varies by location, culture, and upbringing, but I experience some level of this conflict everywhere in the world I travel and teach.
Most people learn to alter their self-expression in accordance with their society's expectations. Often, these rules are outdated, passed down through generations without much thought to how they relate to success in today’s world.
In addition to assimilating what is supposed to be correct self-expression, we fear how others might judge us if we declare what we think and define what we believe is necessary. The judgment of "too assertive" is often placed on women and subordinates. Labels like "self-serving," "egotistic" and "insensitive" are given when we state our opinions and attempt to take care of ourselves.
The fear of judgment holds us back from being open and honest in our self-expression. Clinical psychologist and coach Lloyd Thomas says when we are inhibited in our self-expression, “We remain dependent and helpless in our self-care. We may even become ill.”¹
Being aggressive is different from being assertive. Aggressiveness has a punishing tone; your requests or opinions have the intention of making others wrong. Your desire is to be better, put them in their place, or demonstrate you have more of something than they have, such as wanting to show you have more knowledge, power, or privilege than others do.
You can be assertive without being aggressive by not attacking anybody else. When you are being assertive, you are standing up for yourself and what you believe.
I have experienced difficult lessons that have taught me the distinction between being aggressive and being assertive with my requests. The following five steps combine academic knowledge with hard-learned lessons to help you be successful and healthy without hurting others. Use these five practices to be clear and direct when expressing your needs and ideas:
Don’t hold yourself back from stating what you want and offering your ideas. You may be judged as aggressive but you cannot fulfill your potential when you hold yourself back. Regretting what you did not do is more difficult to bear than being disappointed when you don’t get what you want. You can move beyond disappointment. You can’t redo what you regret.
¹ Lloyd J. Thomas, PhD writes weekly newsletters with tips like these. You can subscribe at https://practical.canvasvps.com/lists/?p=subscribe . He is also a co-author with Dr. Patrick Williams of Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills, and Techniques to Enhance Your Practice...and Your Life (W. W. Norton, 2005).
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Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D. , is the author of three leadership books: Coach the Person, Not the Problem, The Discomfort Zone, and Wander Woman .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.