How a Child's Mental Illness Can Psychologically Stamp a Family
A new novel explores a sibling's lifelong struggles with a mentally ill sister.
Posted November 26, 2024 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
“No one will love you more or hurt you more than a sister.”
These words appear on the opening page of Betsy Lerner’s first novel, and it’s certainly the case in Shred Sisters . The veteran literary agent and editor’s novel tells the gripping story of a family struggling to live with the mental illness of one of two daughters. The book spotlights how mental illness can ruin a sibling relationship, destroy a family, and lead to periods of estrangement.
Amy, who narrates the story in a vulnerable, intimate voice, has had to endure her sister Ollie’s erratic conduct since they were children. Each family member denies or enables Ollie’s volatile and unpredictable behavior, which exacts a great toll on Amy as well as her parents’ marriage . Lerner vividly portrays how supporting someone with a mental health condition can lead to feelings of frustration, exhaustion, and guilt .
How mental illness can stress the family
As the book illustrates, when one sibling suffers with mental illness, family relationships can shatter for the following reasons:
The Sibling Ghosts of Childhood
Shred Sisters also accurately depicts what marriage and family therapist Karen Gail Lewis calls the ghosts that are at play in sibling relationships. In her book Sibling Therapy , Lewis outlines four underrecognized ways in which memories and feelings haunt brothers and sisters throughout their lives.
In Shred Sisters , Amy is especially driven by these "ghosts" that Lewis has identified. The sisters are stuck in frozen images and crystallized roles. Amy early on describes herself as small, skinny, and clumsy, while “good things come in tall, willowy packages like Ollie’s.” Amy is convinced that Ollie always gets special treatment; snooping in files, she discovers that their parents, who have high expectations of her, let Ollie get away with abysmal grades.
Amy’s unhealthy loyalty to her sister may help explain why she forfeits a thriving career in science. After finishing her undergraduate degree in three years, she dedicates herself to studying and caring for lab animals. Having distinguished herself by logging more hours in the lab than other researchers and receiving recognition on several research papers published in scientific journals, Amy suddenly and surprisingly quits when some of her grant proposals are rejected.
The book explores the idea of sibling transference in terms of Amy’s choice of men. When Amy gets involved with a man who is just as erratic as her sister, her therapist suggests that “what happened with Josh had to do with Ollie.” Lerner writes from Amy’s perspective: “I refused to believe that she [Ollie] permeated all my relationships. …”
Lewis would argue that, yes, Ollie has permeated all of Amy's relationships, as siblings are our "first marriage” partners. “Siblings provide the first experiences of living intimately with peers, people of the same hierarchical level and the same generation,” Lewis explains. People are often surprised to recognize that how they feel in their marriage, friendships, or even in a relationship with a coworker bears a resemblance to “how they felt in some problematic situations with siblings in their ‘first marriage.’”
For those who would like to learn more, Shred Sisters thoroughly explores in a dramatic, most engaging way the impact and long reach of Amy’s “first marriage” to a mentally ill sister.
Lews, Dr. Karen Gail (2023) Sibling Therapy,: The Ghosts from Childhood that Haunt Your Clients' Love and Work , Oxford University Press, New York, NY
Lerner, Betsy (2024) Shred Sisters , Grove Press, New York, NY
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Fern Schumer Chapman is the author of books including Brothers, Sisters, Strangers and The Sibling Estrangement Journal. She offers private, one-on-one coaching sessions to those who struggle with sibling estrangement issues.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.