Hope and Care for the Special Needs Family
Personal Perspective: Learning to grieve the dream.
Posted June 1, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Children with neuro and physical diversity have special needs, and so do their families. I am the father of a neurologically and physically diverse 51-year-old daughter named Sarah. Initially, I was convinced that my daughter was different, and that I was being asked to address only her difference. Over time, it became clear that our family was different, and so was I, Sarah’s father. The unique makeup of any family yields a constellation of unique decisions on how to meet those needs. The greater the needs of any particular member of a family, the more the other members need to decide how to support themselves and care for the one most challenged.
Managing Familial Diversity
Let’s look more closely at the family and the parents of a child with special needs.
Shock and overwhelm . Discovering how diverse one of our children was left us in shock and feeling overwhelmed. We were uncertain about how to parent our able-bodied children, and now we were faced with many unknowns concerning the child with special needs. What would be the best care for our child? Who would be the best possible resource for our child? How would we effectively parent this child? How would our family life be different?
Responsibility and guilt . These feelings are often an attempt to diminish the unknown and feelings of being out of control. We might think, maybe my child's situation was due to my diet , too much work or exercise, or the trip I didn’t really have to take. Feelings of responsibility and guilt often arise when the medical community can’t explain this anomaly.
Desperately seeking help . My wife and I desperately wanted to believe there was a way to repair Sarah’s condition, which included fine motor and gross motor issues, as well as being non-verbal. We discovered a neurological rehabilitation treatment called Patterning. It involved a series of early developmental movements and postures. It called for a consistent program happening 7 hours per day, 6 days per week. Over 100 volunteers came in and out of our home throughout the week. Unfortunately, we did not discuss the impact this program might be having on our marriage or our family.
Grieving a dream . When I reached a measure of acceptance of Sarah’s condition, I saw that the dream asking to be grieved. An education , jobs, friends, a life partner, all the typical life transitions, celebrations, vacations, and the usual paternal support as she stepped into developmental challenges were not going to happen as planned. I didn’t blame Sarah, and I took my time when it came to blaming God. I realized that I needed to grieve the dream and return to what was currently real. Who is this unique girl? What kind of relationship can we have? What kind of father does she need?
Sophie’s Choice . This was the title of a powerful film in which a mother had to choose which child to save and which to release. When a family member has special needs, it inevitably affects how other members have their needs met. A child with special needs isn’t the only example. It could be a sick parent or someone wrestling with an addiction . The issue is the stress created on the system. We decided to keep Sarah at home with us, and she needed 24-hour care, 7 days per week. I naively thought that her 9-year-old-old brother was responsible and mature, so he would be okay. And we got her younger sister a horse, believing that would be a sure remedy for the baby in the family. Years later, Sarah’s brother asked to speak with me about his childhood . He pointed out, “You and Mom always asked me what I needed, and the unsaid was, ‘Don’t need too much, because this ship is going down.’” I thanked him and realized that the metaphor of “the ship going down” reflected how much stress we faced. Sarah’s younger sister has been estranged from the family for over 25 years. I continue to wait for her to let me know what she needed in her childhood and what she may need now.
I highly recommend the films The Black Balloon and Wonder , which depict the experiences of an able-bodied sibling within their families.
A tendency to isolate. There can be a tendency to pull away from the world as if we don’t fit. Siblings might not bring friends home. I notice the tug of isolation as I resist writing this very post.
Care for the Special Family
You are entitled to receive support and care. Just because people can stare and react to being in the presence of difference, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your child or your family. Here are some recommendations for increased levels of care.
You are the foundation of the family. The family system rests on three important pillars of your family: your relationship to yourself, your partner’s relationship to him or herself, and your connection to one another. There will be numerous distractions calling you away from yourself. Do whatever you can to prioritize your own needs and your connection to your partner. It’s what your children need most.
Talk. Talk to your children about the stress in the system. Ask them what they need and how they are feeling. If it appears they need to protect you by claiming they’re just fine, let them know they don’t need to protect you. If they insist on doing so, find another adult for them to talk with. It could be a trusted relative or a professional counselor.
Here’s a list of social service agencies . Special Angels, United Healthcare Children’s Foundation, Modest Needs.org, Autism Care Today, Wheel to Walk Foundation, Easter Seals, Different Dream, Through the Looking Glass, United Cerebral Palsy, The Arc, The Morgan Project. In Connecticut, the Connecticut Parent Advocacy Center, and in Manchester, CT, there are two outstanding consultants, Pat Beeman and George Ducharme, who have supported our family and walked with Sarah for 30 years.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
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Paul Dunion, Ed.D., has been in private practice as a psychotherapist and consultant for the past 45 years and has published eight books.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.