Holding On to Anger Is a Choice
Anger is a part of being human that we can choose to incite or release.
Posted January 19, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
I’ve worked with hundreds of individuals who sought help for anger management . They were referred by the courts, by supervisors, by friends or by a significant other. Some seemed to have no remorse about their behavior. And others came on their own volition, recognizing the negative impact it had on their lives. They were often burdened by guilt and shame regarding anger. Many of these clients evidenced trait anger, a chronic disposition for anger arousal that informed their personality .
Anger is a human reaction to feeling threatened, most often to negative emotions such as fear , injustice, shame, rejection, disappointment, frustration and powerlessness. It is a mind-body state that encompasses physiological and bodily reactions, thoughts, and emotions–which together may or may not lead to aggression.
My clients shared a variety of personal histories regarding anger, often tracing their tendency for anger arousal to childhood or adolescence . Many were victims of or witnesses to some form of aggression in their homes or with close associations. Some viewed their tendency as inherited from or modeled after a parent who was prone to anger. Others cited certain life events as major triggers for their anger–such as trauma , conflictual relationships, mental or physical challenges related to accidents or illness, and the loss of relationships or a job—in effect, the broad variety of challenges we face in the course of living.
Clients referred for anger management vary in their motivation to change as well as in their belief that they can change. Some describe their anger (and even aggression) as serving them well in coping with dangers they experienced as a child and adolescent. Similarly, some reported the need to be angry and aggressive as stemming from their experiences in prison or in a hostile environment where they lived when growing up.
Sustaining anger is a choice
Like all emotions, anger arousal itself has been found to last in our body for 90 seconds. It is our thoughts and feelings about our anger that can fuel its intensity, duration, and frequency.
Most importantly, there is a distinction between experiencing the emotion of anger and acting “from” or “on” it–in the form of aggression. As stated by Victor Frankl, Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Victor Frankl
It is in this moment of pause that, with specific skills, we can establish the freedom to choose how to respond to anger. With such skills, we experience flexibility in our thoughts and learn to regulate our emotions and bodily reactions as we consider alternative responses to the arousal of anger—including constructive ways to express anger.
Like all emotions, anger offers us a message–if we can pause and direct our attention inward to understand this message. Unfortunately, too many people lack the skills to pause.
Benefits of choosing calmness over anger
Choosing to constructively manage anger leads to a greater sense of agency, improved relationships, more informed connection with oneself, greater awareness of one’s values and a more fulfilling life overall. Additionally, learning skills for regulation of anger leads to peace that helps to protect our health. Perhaps most importantly, as we learn the relevant skills, we activate the prefrontal regions of the brain–the area responsible for executive functions such as problem solving, planning, decision making , impulse control and moderating social behavior.
What skills support the freedom to choose alternative responses?
In general, skills that support emotional regulation are essential to meet this challenge. These include the capacity for self-awareness and self-monitoring, which help us to identify key aspects of our internal landscape–those thoughts, feelings and physical sensations associated with anger and potential aggression. All entail directing our attention inward rather than outward.
Self-awareness and self-monitoring offer us a different perspective, one that looks toward mindfulness , self-understanding, forgiveness , and compassion as forces that can help create the calmness essential to create a pause and choose how to respond to anger.
Cultivating the skills for emotional regulation with anger calls for commitment. It calls for identifying and believing in the benefits of more constructively responding to our anger. Similarly, it calls for recognizing and internalizing attitudes and values that may sharply contrast with our past habits.
Challenges to developing the skills to let go of anger
There are many barriers that undermine learning such skills. For example, exploring the patterns of our emotions and thoughts may evoke painful feelings and memories. This is not easy if we have engaged in anger or aggression for years as a reaction to and distraction from recognizing and grieving pain.
Culture and political climate may also fuel anger and aggression. Unfortunately, the promotion of fear and aggression offers many distractions from the difficult self-reflection required for change. This is reflected by some political leaders, rulers, and even religious officials who have maintained this position as well. They have in common the belief that man is inherently aggressive.
Similarly, any form of blaming others for our hurt and dissatisfaction works against self-reflection. Additionally, it’s important to realize that such blaming only reduces our sense of autonomy and choice–both contributing toward further anger.
There are messages, especially in our current climate, that anger and aggression are aspects of “real masculinity.” Such sentiments view constructively managing anger as a sign of weakness or “wokeness.” They may also view self-reflection and understanding emotions as the “feminization of emotions,” or they may believe that emotions are inherently female. This belief further reinforces men suppressing their emotions–a sure contributor to anger and harmful mental health in general.
Additionally, there may be a shortage of resources supporting learning these skills. And, while some schools have increasingly helped children develop these skills, most still fail to make them an essential part of their curriculum.
While anger is at times a natural emotion, it’s important to remember that we have a choice in creating peace or holding on to anger. The extent to which we can readily choose peace very much depends on skills in emotional regulation. Developing this choice leads to a more fulfilling life. Such skills can be acquired regardless of present habits regarding anger. It calls for commitment, patience, and practice–whether learned through books, YouTube videos, or counseling.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .
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Bernard Golden, Ph.D., is the founder of Anger Management Education and author of Overcoming Destructive Anger: Strategies That Work .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.