Helping Introverts Growing Up in Extraverted Families
It can be stressful to be an introvert in a highly social family.
Posted July 17, 2025 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Do you ever feel like you grew up in the wrong family? Interestingly, I hear this frequently from introverts who grew up in more extraverted families. As we are well aware, extraverts recharge by spending time interacting with others, while the more introverted may prefer to recharge by spending time alone. Introverts are often labeled as shy and/or socially anxious but in fact this may not be the case at all; they simply enjoy their alone time. This is a preference, not a flaw. In many extraverted and socially inclined families, the more introverted child is labeled early in life, and the labels and pressure to be more outgoing are challenging and imply that the child is not good enough, not trying hard enough, or not living up to the family's expectations.
Clearly, though, our culture favors extraverts. These are the more gregarious, life-of-the-party types, who will accept a social invitation with pleasure. In a 2023 survey of 1,000 individuals conducted by YouGov, the results indicated that many believe the extraverted are at a distinct advantage in life. These advantages were believed to be especially present in the following arenas: public speaking , meeting new groups of people, and at parties. The highly extraverted were also believed to make better leaders than the more introverted. As expected, introverts were seen as quiet and shy while extroverts were seen as outgoing and talkative. And more than half of self-described introverts responding to the survey sometimes wished that they were different—more outgoing.
In a culture that favors the extroverted, I feel compelled to support the introverted. They often grow up feeling inadequate, and they often walk through their adulthood carrying these same feelings. This is particularly the case if they grow up in families that are more socially inclined. Imagine being the child who would prefer to read than to join a family's large and frequent social gatherings. As adults, these individuals may report having felt shame and inadequacy about their temperamental style as children. My plea to extraverted parents is to respect the social style of your introverted children because they, too, have a lot to offer. There is nothing inherently superior about the extroverted. Yes, they may be more at ease at large gatherings, but this does not make them better people, regardless of whatever metric you might be using. For example, get the introverted alone in a one-on-one conversation, and they are likely to be better listeners—and we all long to be listened to, right?
Additionally, keep in mind that many individuals are neither exclusively introverted or extraverted. Many are ambiverts , encompassing a combination of introverted and extraverted traits. There is also the question of whether extraversion and introversion are learned behaviors or innate qualities. According to the YouGov (2023) survey, most individuals believe that these qualities are more likely to be learned. This belief may lead to a slippery slope where parents feel that they must teach their children to be more outgoing.
The takeaway message here is that we are not all made from the same cloth. Please respect your own individual style and try to stay away from labeling your social style as good or bad. And, if you are a parent, try to avoid labeling your more introverted child. Children who are labeled as shy often grow up feeling inadequate. While I am sure that it is not your intention to hurt your child, being mindful of each child's differences is more important than turning your child into someone that they are not comfortable being or pretending to be.
Considerations for Clinicians
In my over three decades of experience with those whose social styles differ from those of their family, I have learned about the importance of getting a thorough psychosocial history. In addition, to learning about family history of mental health issues, a clinician should ask about similarities and differences between parents and their children. Children sense the demand characteristics of their parents, i.e., which characteristics their parents value. This is not lost on them. Ask each client to describe their family members' interpersonal style and their reactions to these styles. If the clients feel that their introverted styles are/were shameful, were disappointing to their families, and are currently sources of anxiety , then consider incorporating cognitive restructuring into your work. A thought such as "My introversion makes me no fun" can be restructured into "My introversion makes me a good person to engage in great conversation." Similarly, a thought such as "I could have pleased my mother more as a child" can be restructured to "My mother liked many things about me that had little to do with my level of sociability." My hope is that future research will focus on the links between temperamental differences between family members, the anxiety that this produces, and the effectiveness of cognitive restructuring on reducing negative cognitions associated with social style differences.
https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/45537-extroverts-have-advanta…
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Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents and their well-intentioned but exhausted parents.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.