Friendvy: When Friends Spark Envy
How being "friendvious" can motivate growth instead of resentment
Posted March 6, 2026 | Reviewed by Davia Sills
Do you (like me) sometimes envy your friends? If so, this makes us “friendvious.” I know a cute portmanteau doesn’t make us feel any better about feeling green with friendvy… so let’s turn to research to understand (and rationalize ) this uncomfortable emotion .
Studies show non-family-like relationships (i.e., close friends, casual friends, and acquaintances) are more likely to elicit feelings of envy than family-like relationships (i.e., relatives, siblings, best friends, and romantic partners).
Research also reassures us that “more than three-fourths of survey participants report that they had experienced envy in the last year.” Digging a bit deeper, about 80 percent of people under 30 reported feeling envious, compared with 69 percent of people over 50.
We are more likely to envy others of the same gender and within five years of our own age. We’re most likely to envy monetary and occupational success (although I have also been known to envy my friend CJ’s lustrous hair).
Allow me to provide personally unflattering examples before we wade further into the psychology of this unsavory emotion:
Let’s differentiate between envy and jealousy
Envy involves wanting what someone else has and feeling inferior or resentful.
Jealousy involves fear of losing something one already possesses to another person.
Envy is generally unpleasant , but it’s not always harmful. It’s typically painful and ego-threatening, which is why it can sting our well-being in the short term.
Social Comparison Theory helps explain the engine of envy: Upward social comparison occurs when we compare ourselves to similar others to evaluate our abilities and status. Because friends and close peers are particularly relevant comparison targets, their achievements can make perceived gaps more glaring and increase the likelihood of envy.
Social media amplifies these upward comparisons, which can reduce our well-being. Studies show that Facebook use, for example, can trigger envy and increase negative emotional experiences.
Most research distinguishes between benign envy and malicious envy .
Researcher Sara Protasi describes four kinds of envy (a framework I love so much and would totally be envious of if I were trying to be an envy researcher, but alas, I have keynote speaker friends to be envious of instead):
These distinctions help clarify how envy can either undermine or enhance well-being.
So, what should we do when we feel envious of friends?
Research suggests that benign envy can promote personal growth. When others’ success seems attainable, envy can increase motivation, encourage goal-setting , and improve performance. Studies also indicate that benign envy is positively associated with flourishing and subjective well-being.
We are allowed to want to emulate friends we admire while still supporting their success. It is possible to hold multiple emotions at once... we can be happy for our friend’s successes, and simultaneously unhappy that we don’t have what they have (yet?). These feelings don’t have to compromise our friendships, especially if we’re willing to share our applause for their wins with them.
Ultimately, the benign kind of envy can serve as information about our values, aspirations, and where we want to grow. Rather than viewing envy solely as a moral failure or personal flaw, we can recognize it as a complex social emotion that, when managed constructively, can motivate improvement and enhance well-being. It can even improve our friendships when we share our admiration for their successes. Being friendvious doesn’t sound all that bad now, does it?
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Jodi Wellman, MAPP, is a leading authority on living lives worth living. As a speaker and coach, she helps people live squander-free lives while cleverly beginning with the “big end” in mind.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.