Finding Clarity: How Do I Make the Decision to Divorce?

How to gain clarity (and a roadmap) during the fog of indecision.

Posted August 12, 2019 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Thinking about divorce? Often a client will seek therapy when beginning to have thoughts of divorce. Those thoughts can be terrifying, right? Clients have often asked me, “How will I know if I should divorce? How will I know that divorce is the right option for me?”

The confusion is normal. It is normal to feel deeply ambivalent about divorcing . This is one of the biggest and most difficult decisions you will ever have to make. It is not a decision that should be made impulsively or without a lot of thought and work.

I cannot tell you what the right answer is, and there is no clear cut or easy answer. But as a clinician, I can ask a lot of questions to help you find clarity and a roadmap once you have made your decision.

Getting clear about what is troubling you and your relationship is one step toward understanding the choices and decisions that you face. No one anticipates a divorce on their wedding day. When I ask clients about their marriage and where these thoughts are coming from, I hear many explanations and complaints, such as the ones listed below. If you are considering divorce, do any of these resonate for you?

Most often I hear about the breakdown or complete lack of communication. You or your spouse isn’t talking, you are afraid to bring up difficult conversations, or one or both of you are triggered and defensive when you do try to talk. You feel like you are carrying the entire load in the relationship and you are simply tired of carrying the burden alone.

If you are worried about your marriage, don’t wait to seek counseling. If your spouse does not want to go with you, you can go on your own. Often clients wait for a crisis, and then it may be too late to save the marriage.

Here are ways that counseling can help you achieve clarity about your decision.

So, when clients ask “How will I know that I should divorce? How will I know that divorce is the right answer?” I do two things. I ask questions, and I talk about a “sparkling moment of clarity” that may answer their questions.

I tell my clients that there are no easy answers to these difficult questions about how to know when divorce is the right solution. However, for most people, there is a moment of clarity when they know that divorce is the direction they feel they must go (or must not). That moment of clarity is often a physical feeling of relief as well as a knot in your stomach as you understand the decision you have just made. At that point, you can start to develop a plan to either renew your commitment to your marriage or to move toward separation and divorce.

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Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. , is the author of The Parent's Guide to Birdnesting: A Child-Centered Solution to Co-Parenting During Separation and Divorce.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.