Explaining Covert Narcissistic Abuse When They Can't Relate
Helping others understand abuse if they have never experienced it.
Posted February 20, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Explaining covert narcissistic abuse to someone who has never experienced it can be especially difficult, even if they mean well and are trying to help. Much of what is available online oversimplifies covert narcissism or groups behavioral patterns of both overt and covert narcissism into a single concept. Covert narcissism shows up distinctly from the loud and brash behavior most people associate with narcissists. Its patterns are often subtle and can be mistaken for shyness or humility. Yet, their motivations remain the same as those of grandiose narcissists, which include manipulation, a need for control, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of genuine emotional empathy.
If a person has not experienced covert narcissistic abuse, it can be almost impossible to grasp. To outsiders, covert narcissists appear shy, kind, prefer “humble brags” over brash attention , can be incredibly endearing and charming, and may appear selfless. Because of this, well-meaning friends and family might dismiss a survivor’s lived experiences, reducing the relationship to a simple breakup, that things were not “that bad,” or that the survivor is exaggerating. These types of dismissive or invalidating responses (even if unintentional) reinforce victim-blaming and can silence a survivor, making it harder for them to share their stories and help others understand what happened.
Covert narcissists operate in subtle, almost invisible ways. Every compliment, every act of charm, every seemingly kind gesture is carefully calculated to tap into a survivor’s unmet needs for safety, belonging, and esteem. They mirror their target’s desires and vulnerabilities, creating the illusion of protection, love, and understanding in order to maintain control. This slow burn of manipulation can be nearly impossible to recognize at first for the victim, let alone outsiders.
In reality, what makes covert abuse so destabilizing is that a survivor often has a difficult time putting it into words what they are sensing and experiencing. Their partner may appear kind, loving, and emotionally available on the surface. Yet, internally, covert abuse survivors often feel that something is “off” and misaligned about their partner or with the dynamics of the relationship. Red flags may be subtle and include mild passive-aggression , or emotional withdrawal which can be confused with needing space, or having had a bad day. Instead, what is experienced is quiet unease where a survivor starts questioning their own perceptions, and may resort to gaslighting or shaming themselves for “overthinking” things. Meanwhile, relationship and personal boundaries are continuing to be crossed through seduction, “constant togetherness”, emotional manipulation, and other forms of coercion. 2
Covert narcissists construct a persona tailored to how they read their victims and what they believe that person needs. The partner they adore in the beginning of a relationship is typically a projection of what they want to extract from them, including admiration, success, status, or energy. Over time, a survivor begins to feel that something is misaligned. Compliments that once felt intoxicating now feel performative, as if they are praising or complimenting themselves and using the survivor as a reflection or prop. Gradually, subtle devaluation begins which may include canceling plans last minute, indifference towards things they used to be passionate about, or flashes of mockery disguised as jokes. 1
After leaving a covertly narcissistic person, abuse often escalates and becomes more obvious. In many cases, it includes reenacting shared experiences with a new target, using technology such as virtual phone numbers and anonymous accounts to surveil and taunt the survivor, or triangulation attempts with staged photos or videos, all of which are done to maintain control. For someone who has not experienced covert abuse, it is difficult to explain these behaviors without sounding “crazy,” which is exactly what a narcissistic person is counting on. Their goal is to manipulate others’ perceptions, so the survivor appears irrational while the narcissistic person continues with their behavior, unchecked.
Helping Others Understand Covert Abuse
Many people may have difficulty understanding or being able to relate to covert abuse, or its effects on a survivor. Yet, simply being present, acknowledging that their pain is real, and that they are seen and validated is important in helping them heal, and in learning how to rebuild their sense of worth and trust in others.
Day, N.J.S., et al. (2021). Pathological narcissism: An analysis of interpersonal dysfunction within intimate relationships. Personal Mental Health, 16 (3), 204-216.
Parkinson, R., et al. (2024). Subtle or covert abuse within intimate partner relationships: A scoping review. Trauma, Violence & Abuse, 25 (5), 4090-4100.
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Annie Tanasugarn, Ph.D. , is an internationally recognized author, relationship coach, and educator with nearly three decades of experience supporting adults in strengthening their relationships and building a foundation of personal empowerment.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.