Estrangement Is "Uniquely Destabilizing"
A cutoff in the family can shatter one's sense of self.
Posted March 11, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
When a family relationship breaks down, the result is so much more than simply not speaking to a loved one. Those who have not experienced estrangement may not fully grasp how it shakes the very foundation of who we are and how we see ourselves.
Understandably, estrangement evokes deep feelings of grief over the loss of a primary relationship. Suddenly, a chair sits empty at the family table; a name is missing from a group text; festive occasions bring an uneasy silence. Celebrations that once were happy may now feel tainted or false. Milestones, traditions, even everyday moments can become sources of pain or confusion.
But what’s even more devastating is the emptiness that comes from the loss of self. Identity is grounded in memories, values, and relationships, and estrangement shatters that foundation. A cutoff can unravel a sense of identity, stability, and belonging.
“Being rejected by family, or deciding to leave, can be one of the most traumatic experiences in a person’s life,” writes social science researcher Kylie Agllias in Family Estrangement . “Family estrangement is larger than ‘conflict’, more complicated than ‘betrayal’: it is entwined in perception, conflicting beliefs, values, behaviors and goals . … Both parties are often left with unfinished business, a pain that originates from a fundamental need for attachment and an ongoing fear that seems to settle close to the heart of self-doubt.”
As family researcher and author Karl Pillemer puts it, estrangement often causes people to feel that they’re mourning “not just the relationship, but their entire understanding of their own life story. It’s uniquely destabilizing.”
Estrangement poses fundamental questions:
Complicating these perceptions is how estrangement throws roles into question. For example:
This ambiguity can bleed into other relationships. Friendships, romantic partnerships, and even professional interactions may be affected as the estranged struggles to fit in. The scripts that were once followed closely no longer apply. Those who are cut off must improvise in situations where they once had certainty.
Underlying estrangement is a loss of the ability to trust. As many who are cut off from family members often say, “if I can’t trust my mother or father or sibling , who can I really trust?”
Doubts may continue to plague the estranged, as they second-guess themselves on family matters. They wonder:
Worse, doubts can generalize to other life choices. Questions can become constant background noise, making simple decisions fraught with risk.
Confusion resulting from a narcissistic relationship
Redefining family demands factoring in narcissistic personality traits, which are among the most common elements figuring into estrangement. These traits suffuse relationships with manipulation and gaslighting , often resulting in chronic, insidious self-doubt and a distorted, eroded sense of self.
“When you’re in a relationship like that,” says Peter Salerno, author of Cruelty by Nature , “you try to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. You might tell yourself that you caused it. You might tell yourself that if you handled it better it wouldn’t have escalated, you might even convince yourself that you forgot some of the things that you did to contribute to this. But those beliefs and those thoughts are not objective truths. They are survival interpretations .... The beliefs you form about yourself in these relationships are formed under pressure, under confusion, intermittent reinforcement, threat of emotional withdrawal or retaliation.”
Salerno encourages anyone who has drawn conclusions in a narcissistic relationship to challenge those perceptions and update their self-concept with accurate data with these questions:
That is practical advice for anyone who is estranged. It’s important to rebuild your narrative, reclaim your identity, and develop new roles and relationships that reflect who you are today.
If relationships break down, it’s important to remember that estrangement is only one chapter, not the whole book, in one’s life story. With time, support, and self-compassion, it is possible to find meaning and belonging again—even when self-image and relationships differ drastically from previous expectations and beliefs.
Agllias, Kylie, 2017, Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective. Routledge, New York
Salerno, Peter, 2025, Cruelty by Nature: The Science of Intentional Abuse.
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Fern Schumer Chapman is the author of books including Brothers, Sisters, Strangers and The Sibling Estrangement Journal. She offers private, one-on-one coaching sessions to those who struggle with sibling estrangement issues.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.